House Arrest (Reuploaded)

At this point in my life I was having a seizure everyday 😦

Hi loves!

These past few weeks have been pretty eventful for me. But first and foremost, I hope you all had a lovely easter and enjoyed, or are enjoying your spring break! I know my spring break was greatly appreciated! Anyway.. I have basically been on 24 hour surveillance by my parents lately. They don’t let me out of their sight incase I have a seizure. The only time I ever got away was school and that ended in a disaster. Let me explain..

I went to school last Monday and had a seizure in the main common room. It was so embarrassing. I then had another one Wednesday and they had to call 911 so there were 4 paramedics, the owner of the school, all my teachers, friends, and classmates witnessed it all. I was mortified!!!

They then called my parents and said I can’t return because I am am a liability. Until I have a doctors note saying I can return I don’t leave the house. So for the past week I’ve been cooped up in my bedroom, extremely depressed and sad. My friends promised they would come see me yet I’ve had no one come. I know It’s silly of me but it just makes me worry that they’re going to forget all about me and move on. They all have been posting pictures together and going out, and then theres me that sits in my room watching tv in my bed and hoping my parents will let me walk to the mailbox by myself.

I understand its all for my safety, but it’s so frustrating! arrguhh!! I go see a doctor tomorrow so fingers crossed they let me go back to school and live my life again. Now it’s another sleepless night. yay!

Night lovelies!

Sarah xxx

sorry for the mopey post, just my life right now 😦

Stangers (Reuploaded)

That time I met someone who made me look at life differently

Today I met the most amazing girl who could write the most beautiful poetry. She was strong and had the scars to prove it. Some still fresh. I saw this girl who wore a ripped sweatshirt and ripped shorts with knee socks and immediately stereotyped her as someone I wouldn’t get along with. I told myself we would never get along because we were already so different. There I was in heels and a designer shirt with a pink bag and she was my complete opposite. It wasn’t until I started to talk to her did I realize how wrong I was. I saw so much of her in me. and me in her. She had an old and kind soul and a heart of gold. She spoke with such little confidence in herself when she was the most astonishing poet. I realize now how wrong I was. I know I will probably never see the girl again, she was just someone I happened to cross paths with at a coffeeshop, but her words affected me so much. Here is a line from one of her poems that touched my heart.

This made me think so much. I questioned my whole life sitting in this tiny hole in the wall coffee shop. For those people who cant live there lives as themselves, including me. Recreate your self. Create a new you that you can love. Because you do deserve to be loved by yourself.

To the girl I’ll most likely never see again, thank you.

Sarah xx

A note to Little ME (Reuploaded)

Probably my favorite post I’ve done so far 🙂 Whenever I’m feeling down I go back and read this.  Enjoy ❤ xx

Dear Little Me,

Hi beautiful. “Wait why am I calling myself beautiful” because sweetheart, you are. You are going to go through most of your life thinking you are disgusting, and ugly, and worthless, but honey, you’re not. You are loved and cherished,  wanted, and beautiful. You will have people in the future who you will trust with you life, only to try and tear it down. There will also be people you barley know now, that will save your life. Cherish the moment you have when you’re young. Cherish the memories. and also remember you are beautiful. you are wanted.

Remember when you would stand in front of a mirror and just scowl at your appearance? Now you stand  tall and smile at how far you have come. Cause baby girl, you have overcome so much. You will go through rough times, times where your life is in danger, but you always get through it. You believe that everything happens for a reason. You are still a strong believer of that.

You get sick. Really sick. But the people you love will bring you back to life. You loose people, people you love that didn’t love you, and people who were gone too young. Those losses make who you are. You make unexpected friendships. But they’re the type of friendships that last a lifetime. You fall in love. Only to be hurt by the one you love. You learn to trust. You put your trust in others. You change lives.

Now you can’t do all that if you are dead. Can you?

So stand tall, stick up to bullies. and always remember that the only love you need… is your own.

Love,

Sarah xx

Future Tattoos (Reuploaded)

I love this post! It just makes me smile haha

Hey lovelies!

Today I thought I would talk a bit about tattoos. Tattoos are something I have always loved but will probably never get on lol. Recently One of my teachers recently got a watercolor tattoo of a lavender plant and its so gorgeous!! It look like a work of art! That inspired me to look up some tattoos I would maybe like, so I thought I would share them all with you!!

First I thought going with something that Is apart of me. In our society feminism is considered disgusting. I strongly disagree I think everyone should have “girl power.”

next I have this. one of my favorite quotes is this …

“; – the option to stop, but the choice to keep going.” It just reminds me whenever I have trouble in  my life to make the choice to keep going.

This one represents an ocean. I feel most at home by the sea and at the beach so this was perfect.

This one is a tattoo I know I will get when I’m 18. It stands for equality. Among genders, races, religion, sexuality, sex, everything! I absolutely love it.

“breathe” thats what I forgot to do most of the time. I have panic disorder and anxiety so whenever I have a panic attack I just need to breathe. So this is just a good self sooth reminder

And finally… A disney tattoo!  disney is a huge part of my life and it always will be. This represent peter pan, “second star to the right and straight on til morning” I’m still chasing Neverland.

Those are all the tattoos I love at the moment and hope to get a few of them 😉

Until next time

Sarah xx

Seizures and Youtube (Reuploaded)

I wrote this beginning of April when I first started having seizures. Things with the guy didn’t end up working out. Enjoy 😉

Hi lovelies!

A lot has happened this past week.. heres a little insight…

• I was in the hospital on Wednesday
• I asked a guy to prom
• I went on my first date
• I got my first kiss
• I ended things with the guy I asked to prom
• I was in the hospital last night

Yeah, a lot has happened. The major thing to me is the multiple hospital visits. I started to have these episode a few weeks ago and they just continue to get worse. Last night I passed out and was twitching for a full hour. We went to the hospital and they seem to think its a type of rare seizures that runs in my family. I am honestly really scared, I have seen people have seizure and not make it, I’ve heard stories about the horror of seizures. I’m going to a neurologist soon but I’m still worried that it’s going to happen again before I see this doctor.

Things with my prom date have been complicated!!! I’m just going to tell you guys its not a thing anymore. I’m just going with my friends.

I have been contemplating starting a youtube channel recently. I have a friend in the blogging world that has a huge blog and started a youtube channel and I really enjoy watching her vlog, and do Q & A’s. I’m quite nervous to start one because I’m afraid someone I know will find out.. any advice?

thanks for listening loves! ❤

Sarah xx

New Diagnoses and Vegas (Reuploaded)

Pretty explanatory 🙂

Hey Loves!

I feel like I haven’t blogged in months, but in reality it’s been like 2 weeks! In these past weeks 2 very big things have happened for me.. But first off I wanted to start on a lighter subject! Over the weekend my mum and I went prom dress shopping. It was so amazing and I actually bought a dress! The dress I bought below ↓

I absolutely love this dress.

Ok now it’s time to get serious. On Tuesday afternoon I got diagnosed with OCD. To my parents and family this was heartbreaking, to me it was a relief. I finally got a reason for why I feel the way I do. I finally found out that I’m not crazy, I just have this illness. What I was even more thrilled about was the fact that with medication and therapy, it would fade away. I felt so overjoyed!! I had an explanation for why I am the way I am. It felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

The second thing that happened this week is that my best friend that has been in inpatient in vegas for 5 months was released!! I got a text Tuesday night from her sister that she was coming home. The program she was in wouldn’t allow any contact with the outside world. She got to talk to her mom a few times a week but that was it. I would get texts to update my from her mum and sister, which I am so grateful for!

Her plane got in last night and I am supposed to go meet her in a few hours!! I am so excited to see her after 95 days of no contact!! I have made her a giant poster saying welcome home and had all her friends sign it and write messages. I am also going to pick her up some flowers and a card. I’m so incredibly proud of her and how much she’s overcome!!

Thats all I have for today, hopefully I will post more frequently haha! Have a lovely day guys!

Sarah xxx

Anxiety and the Most Amazing Friends (Reuploaded)

This was also written during that particularly rough time in my life. It was right after “J” just kind of disappeared.

Hi Loves!!

It feels like it has been forever since I posted!! How are you all doing? This past week I have been driving up and down the east coast touring colleges. I’ll be honest it was strange thinking that I will be there in a few years. I mean, I’m only a freshman so I’ve still got some time 😉

These past couple days have been rough for me. I just got back from vacation so that means school starts back up. Don’t get me wrong I love my school! That means it doesn’t stress me out. Over the weekend I went and saw a movie with K and another friend. We went and saw A cure for Wellness. 10 out of 10 would not recommend if you have anxiety. All through out the movie I was getting flashbacks and getting extremely triggered. As soon I felt as though had enough, I left and waited in the lobby for the movie to be done. My friends had a feeling that the movie wasn’t the best choice so we left and just walked around the mall for a bit.

Flash forward to Monday. I got to school and felt awful. I was anxious and felt disgusting. Since I just got back from vacation I have been eating pretty bad, lots of fatty foods. After my english class I got a feeling in my body that I was about to do something bad. It was a feeling of pure impulsivity. right the minute I got rid of all threats to my life. I threw away all the pills in my bag and made sure I had nothing in my bag that could hurt myself with. But I couldn’t get rid of everything.

When all my friends left to go to lunch, I was all alone. When I am alone all I do is overthink. I got the idea in my mind that all my friends were going to dump me again and try to ruin my life. I then sat there thinking about my appearance and felt disgusting. I ran upstairs and made myself sick. Every bad thing that I had heard or been told about myself filled my thoughts. I threw up. This was the first time in 6 months this has happened. Everything that has happened in the past 3 months came crashing down on me. Loosing all my friends, rumors, having to admit a friend, and sending my best friend away. I broke. I called my friend, E, and she came a found me. She sat on the bathroom floor holding me and trying to calm me down. After she had calmed me down to an extant, she ran downstairs to find Jack. All I kept saying to her is that I had ruined someones life and they would never forgive me. I was talking about J. If you have read my previous blog posts, J was a friend that I had to admit into a hospital for a suicide attempt. He is furious with Jack and I for telling people.

Jack came upstairs and tried to calm me down. I was hysterical, I could not stop crying for the life of me. He asked me if I wanted to go drive around to see if that would calm me down. That sounded like such a nice idea to me. We left the school and just drove around town. He didn’t push me to talk about anything he just distracted me and tried to cheer me up. He talked to me about his family and how he is flying down the California to surprise his friend in the military. He made me laugh and held my hand whenever I started to get upset. About halfway through the ride I felt strong enough to tell him everything. At the time Jack didn’t really know anything about my past life. He knew I had a rough past couple years but he never pushed me to tell him anything. I told him about my eating disorder, about my ex boyfriend, about how I was feeling about J. He just sat there listening. After I had finished he pulled the car over and hugged me. I felt so safe and loved. I can’t even describe how I felt. I was just happy. Once he started driving again he said ” You honestly don’t have to change yourself. You are so tiny and innocent and beautiful and I hate that you think of yourself this way.” I couldn’t speak, it was such a sweet thing to say. We then went and got smoothies because he wanted to make sure I had something in my system before I went home. He dropped me off and I was actually feeling pretty good. My suicidal thoughts had faded away and I didn’t have any desire to hurt myself anymore. That all changed when I walked through the front door.

I didn’t even consider the possibility of my mother being mad at me. She was furious. She thought I had just bunked school for fun. I told her everything and she just got even more mad. She yelled at me that I should have eaten better and that this was insane. I was already so angry and upset at myself that her screaming at me did not help. I started to cry. She told me that if I want to loose weight to go exercise. She yelled at me to go for a run and how lazy I am. I was in shock. I understand that it wasn’t ok to leave school with a 18 year old and not tell her. That I totally understand I apologized and said I wouldn’t do it again.

Later after we had both semi calmed down, I said something about my ex and she started to scream at me about why I still think about him. She assured me that he doesn’t think or care about me at all, which is true but was still like knifes in my heart. I stormed out and refused to talk to her the rest of the night. My mom and I have NEVER gotten in a fight. She’s the person I tell everything too. I don’t know If I’m being overdramatic or if it is ok to feel this way. If I had felt this way 6 months ago I would be in the hospital right now because I would have tried too hurt myself. But it happened now and she got mad at me for not being in school.

I am so grateful and thankful for my friends, especially Jack. They are the most amazing people. ❤ Thank your for listening. I’m sorry things have been so dramatic lately.

Sarah xxx

Bravery (Reuploaded)

I wrote this during a very difficult time in my life. This was extremely traumatizing to go through and I’m so grateful for all the support I was given by the people I love ❤

Hi Everyone!

How are you all today? and Happy Valentines day! Or if your like me national single appreciation day 😉Anyway, in school we have been talking about the concept of bravery a lot. In english we had to write a  essay on bravery. I couldn’t think of anything that I had ever done that was brave. After class my teacher pulled me aside and asked me about my paper. I told her I had nothing to write about. She asked me what I thought being brave was. I couldn’t answer, I didn’t know. I was so confused I went home and just came up with lists of stuff that I have done that I believe is brave.

The next day when I went to school and my really close friend, Madi, told me something about a mutual friend of ours, lets call him J. He told her he was going to end his life. Hearing that sent me into panic mode. Having almost lost my best friend to suicide and having gone through it myself I was so worried. J had a very bad childhood and has a lot of mental problems. In the past he’s called me at 2 am saying he was going to end his life. I would talk to him until he calmed down and fell asleep. A few weeks ago I got a call around 10pm. It was J, he was on the highway going 70 and his brakes blew out. He called me to talk to someone he loved and to say goodbye. I lost my mind, I was sobbing thinking I lost a friend. I later found out that he could have stopped his car, but he wanted to crash. This was one of many attempts to take his own life.

Recently his best friend died in a car crash and a family member died. He has been super depressed and suicidal. Last night I decided that I was finally going to tell someone. I went to group therapy and asked to talk the doctor who runs the practice in private. I told her everything from his childhood to the recent suicide attempts. She comforted me and listened until I had nothing more to say. She asked me to sign a release form, letting her be able to call child services and my school. I knew that calling child services means he was going to be admitted into a hospital. All I wanted to do was get him help and keep him alive. So I signed it.

All of last night I was just going through different scenarios of how he would react. I didn’t sleep a wink at all. By the time the morning came around I was a mess. It was all I could think about, but only assuming the worst. I called in sick to work and canceled everything for the day. I then called my friend, Jack from school to see if he could meet and have a chat with me. Jack is 18 and basically my older brother, he’s the person I go to whenever I have a problem. He met me at school and I broke down and told him everything. He hugged me while I cried and told me I was so brave for finding him help. I know I did the right thing but I just can’t help but think that it will make everything worse. Jack and I went into the councilors office and talked to her about it all she took us up to the owner of the school and had us tell her too. She informed us that she would be calling his parents and child services. It was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.

When I first met Jack at the school I saw J and all of my friends and I was a mess. Tear stained face, messy hair, and sweats. All during the time I was in the councilors office I was getting texts from J and my friends asking where I was or if I was ok. Just as I was about to leave the school J grabbed me and demanded I tell him what was happening. I couldn’t say anything, my mind was blank. Thankfully Jack swooped in and took me to his car. I am so grateful to have friends like him ❤

Later in the day around 3 I got a text from J saying “I might thank you later.You know i would have never done anything about it.” My heart broke but I was also extremely thankful. He texted me later, angry. He was mad at me for what I did but that doesn’t matter to me. I know he’s safe and thats all I care about. It was an extremely hard decision to make to find help but I’m so glad that he is safe. I am pretty sure he has been admitted into a hospital but I can’t be sure. All I care about is that he is safe and alive.

Thanks for listening

Sarah xxx

Feminism and Haters (Reuploaded)

I wrote this I believe right after donald trump was elected president. Just a little insight on my mind.

Hi loves!

How are you guys? This past couple week have been so depressing for me. I honestly have spent most of it in my room. On January 20th, Donald Trump was sworn into presidency. I was distraught. I myself am a feminism and liberal. I believe everyone should have the same rights and be treated with love and kindness unless given reason not to.

I was raised to love and accept everyone. I was raised surrounded by people of different religions, ethnicities, and sexuality. I never had a problem with any of it. I used to get bullied in primary school because I would stick up for little boys or girls supports gay rights. But it never bothered me, I was doing what I believed in. Now we have a racist, sexist, homophobic man running our county. I am willing to give anyone a try but, as soon as disrespect me or other people I back away. I am all for everyone doing what they believe in. But what when you believe in discriminating other people because of their beliefs and heritage then you need to take a step back and look at your life.

Over the weekend Millions of women, men, and children marched. They marched to show that we aren’t giving up. They marched to show that feminism isn’t demanding women get more than men, they’re demanding equality for all. They marched to show that we will ban together and embrace who we are.

I was planning to march but a few days before I got a concussion, that doesn’t mean I didn’t take action. I donated to planned parent hood and spent my day watching it live on CNN and supporting anyone posting about on social media. I have had people tell me ‘oh your a femnazi.’ Because  wanting women to be treated equally is the same thing as storming Germany and killing innocent people. NO. I am proud to be a feminist and anyone who try to tell me otherwise can please get off my page. Thank you.

Sarah xx

Im sorry for the rant.. I have had  a lot of people in my life lately telling me that feminism is wrong. But I disagree so I thought I would share my view.

Mindful Living (Reuploaded)

This is a technique I use to deal with my social anxiety. I thought I would share it with you all 🙂

Hello Lovelys!

Sorry its been so long since I wrote! Finals have got me stressed!!

Today I thought I’d share a little bit of my life. This past summer I joined a group therapy that specialized in teaching mindfulness to young women.  Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. I use this technique everyday when I face day to day problems. 

Whenever I’m anxious or need to get away from a situation I think about mindfulness. I close my eyes and take a deep breathe. In for 3 seconds, out for 4 seconds. I repeat until I have calmed myself down enough to open my eyes. As I open my eyes I pick one object or person to focus on, it helps ease my mind and heart rate. While I am focusing on the object/person, I acknowledge my worries and tell myself to accept them. This technique usually works for me when I am having a rough day. 

If the combination above doesn’t work, I will leave the room, or wherever I am and take a minute outside. It is crazy what a bit of fresh air will do to your mood. I always try to find a abandon bench or steps to sit on. I close my eyes and go back to my favorite memory. I sit there reliving the moment. After I can picture the moment I start to focus on specific senses. What can I smell? What can I feel? What can I hear? Whenever I do this I always picture my trip to Cape Cod. My entire family and my moms college best friends family, who I am super close with, rented houses on the beach and it was the best week of my life. The specific  memory I like to think about is our last night there. All the kids spent the week making this HUGE fire pit and rolling up logs for a camp fire. We stayed out there all night. I can still picture my baby sister asleep on my moms lap. I can still smell the smell of burning wood and salt water wavering in the air. I remember the rush of adrenalin when we ran into the freezing water in the middle of the night.

I am still in therapy twice a week dealing with my issues but my favorite thing about it is, my art therapy session. I don’t understand why, but with art I can just say everything on a canvas. We don’t even have to talk and my therapist knows what I am thinking. I think everyone with anxiety should at least try art therapy! It has helped me so much. 

These past few weeks we have been creating strength cards, A deck of card of what we think our strengths are or what we like about our selfs. At first I found this extremely difficult. I hate thinking about my self in a positive way. I always have. After a session of doing nothing cause I couldn’t think of a strength, she sent me home with 5 copies of a list of strengths. She told me to give it 5 people I love and trust and have them check my strengths. It was brilliant! I handed them out to the people I love the most. My mom, my best friend, and my new friends! They all sent them back with such positive feedback. I immediately started on the project. I Loved it! I have made 50 + cards. I have cards about strengths, people, places and phrases I love. I take them everywhere. Whenever I start to have bad thoughts or just start feeling sad, I pull them out and look through them. They always cheer me up! Here are some of my favorites ☟

           

Self help (left) Love (right)

 Compassion (left) Paint more or creativity (right)

Kind (left) All better, relax (right)

If you have anxiety or depression, I highly suggest making some of these! Thanks for reading!! 

Sarah xx

Ps I don’t know why the fonts are all messed up! I’m working to try to fix it. haha