Mind of a 16 year old

In my 16 years I’ve had more revelations and epiphanies than most people have in life time. I’ve taken past traumas and pain and turned it into hope and courage. I’ve learned that nothing lasts forever. and thats ok. I’ve spent my entire life worrying about what other people thought of me, and not what I thought of myself.  You hear in movies and tv shows that you cant truly love someone until you love yourself. I used to think it was such utter bullshit and was so dumb. After I realized I wanted my life to change and up and moved 3000 miles to “find myself”, I realized just how naive I was. I had been in love before, and it thought i could never love someone anymore that I loved this person. Boy was I wrong. I spent 6 hours 6 days a week in therapy for an entire summer. I learned more about who I was as a person in those 2 months than I did in those past 16 years. I can honestly say that I fell in love with the person I was becoming. I become someone who I had always wanted to be. Sure I make mistakes, I have bad days, I cry, I get sad, angry, frustrated. But thats what makes me, me. I’ve learned that you can’t be one thing in your life, just like you cant feel just one thing. I get mad, I get sad, I make irrational choices sometimes, so does everyone else. But I also laugh, and feel joy, and live everyday knowing that tomorrow isn’t going to be like today. It could be better. Or it could be worse. But then, you start a new day. Bad days are gonna happen, but so are good days. You cannot live in constant fear that there’s gonna be a bad day, cause without even realizing it, those have become your bad days. So enjoy it. take too many selfies, eat too much junk food, take that road trip, kiss that boy, take that leap of faith. You are never going to be complete. Your going to grow and change and meet new people, experience new things. Thats fucking scary it is. But just know that only you can change your life. your happiness doesn’t depend on someone else, but at the same time surround your self with people that make you feel happy.

I’ve learned and accepted that its not my responsibility to make other people not feel “negative emotions”. Sometimes you have to do things just for you and not worry about others.

Everything in life is temporary. Every Emotion only lasts 90 seconds. Thats as temporary as it gets. I struggled so much accepting this. That nothing lasts forever, you can never go back to the way things were. And yah it sucks sometimes. It sucks that you’ll never get to relive that day with those people, or feel that overwhelming sense of love. But it also means you get to have new days. Days that could change your life. Meet people who will alter your life forever. The hardest part is accepting that not everyone is always going to be there. People grow, move on, drift apart, fall out. And you’ll never get that same relationship with anyone else. You won’t. but that doesn’t mean you won’t gain new relationships. maybe better ones.

 

lil bit of insight of my mind lately.. gets a bit heavy in there but thats life right?

Sarah xxx

 

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Absence explained 

Hi Everyone.

I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything, almost a year actually… my absense will hopefully be explained with a few other things in this post.

If you read my last post, you know I moved in the past year. Seattle to Boston! 3000 miles, quite a move. I’ve done this move a few times so it wasn’t too bad for me. I struggled a bit the first couple months not knowing anyone and just not having anything to do. I started school in September and LOVE IT! It’s a really small private school that is super accommodating to my anxiety. 

I’ve made quite a few friends too! Who I’ve been particularly getting close to recently. My mental health has been the best it has probably ever been! I’m finally starting to feel like a normal teenager! Oh and did I mention I haven’t had a seizure in 9 months??? AHHH CRAZY!! 

Everything has been going really really good. Until I got sick. I’ve been having these terrible stomach pains for months but a few weeks ago they became constant. It has gotten to the point where I can’t move cause I’m in so much pain. I had to take a leave from school and was brought to the hospital for testing. They did ultra sounds, bloodwork, CTs, and nothing. Everything is normal. Yet the pain still continues. I don’t exactly know what the next step is. Some of my doctors have talked about it being endometriosis, since it runs in my family, but they said this would be a very severe case. Endometriosis is a disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus. All the signs point to this but I haven’t gotten an official diagnosis. With endometriosis also comes the very real and high chance of infertility (not being able to have children). Not being able to have children has been my greatest fear since I was 10 years old. So I guess you could say I’m terrified. I have a friend whose mom has been really sick with endometriosis for years. Her mom lives in the hospital and can’t even function. It kills me to see this happen to my friend and her family.

I haven’t been to school in 2 weeks almost. I tried to go once but had to be carried out and taken to the emergency room cause my pain was so bad. 

My struggle with this pain and not being able to leave the house has brought on a lot emotions. Shame, sadness, anger, frustration, guilt. I feel like I was just starting to have my life back, for it to be taken away again. 

So that’s basically what’s been going on for the last year or so. My absense on this blog has been something I really don’t have a reason for. I think I just got into a rut of not being able to write and eventually forgot how much I loved it. But I’m back! (Hopefully!) 

I’ll talk to you guys soon! I’ve missed you!! 

Sarah xxx

Where Have I Been?

Hello Lovlies!

I know I have been a bit absent on my blog lately, not posting for almost 2 months?! What?! AHHHH!!! Don’t worry they’re is an explanation! I have been moving! from Seattle to Boston! I think I’ve mentioned before that my whole family is from and still lives in boston. It’s my home.

So since my older brother is going to college in Rhode Island we decided it was good idea to move back and be closer to family! I honestly think this move will be really good for me. I’ve been here a little under 2 months and I’m doing so much better than I was a couple months ago. I obviously miss my friends like CRAZY, but we keep in touch and my bestie Samira has already come out to visit me!

When I moved k and I made a decision to break up. It just made sense. Long distance never works; especially at such a young age. He is still someone I care about deeply and am still in love with. But we decided it was best to break up. That has probably been the hardest part of this move. I still talk to him everyday, but I just feel us drifting apart despite our conversations everyday. It’s also been really difficult knowing that he could be with someone else.. I know I can be with someone else too, but I’m just not ready to jump into a relationship. Im working on me right now, and I don’t think I can that and be in a relationship.

Anyway another reason I haven’t been active on my blog lately is because I’ve decided to start my youtube channel again! I have posted one video like year and half ago and I absolutely loved filming it. I have filmed 3 videos for my channel, but haven’t gotten around to editing them yet.. oops.

Sorry for such a short and boring post! I PROMISE i will be back soon!!

Till next time!

Sarah xx

Saying Goodbye

Goodbye. Its always been something I’ve been bad at. even if its just for a week it feels like eternity to me. But in the next couple days, I’m really saying goodbye to so many people and things I love. A week from today I move across the country and begin a new life. hopefully one filled with love and happiness. not that my life doesn’t have those now, its just outweighed by the loneliness and misery.

In the next week i say goodbye to my best friends. I say goodbye to our brunch dates and photoshoots. I say goodbye to binge watching horror movies and south park. I say goodbye to my life. and its going to be one of the hardest things I’m gonna ever have to do. these people are MY people. i love them with all my heart and it breaks my heart to leave them.

I also say goodbye to my struggles. Im done struggling. sure there will be bumps along the road but I’m done letting my struggles control my life. I say goodbye to the part of my life filled with toxins.

I think the hardest part for me is knowing things will never go back to the way things were. never again are my people gonna only be a phone call away. never will i be able to call you and you be at my house within minutes. I don’t do well with change. it scares the shit out of me. change is scary for me. it means unknown and not knowing whats going to happen scares me shitless.

S- You have been the moat amazing best friend I could ask for. you are willing to drive 40 miles in the middle of the night to come see me if I’m having a bad night. You are so caring and just the most genuine person Ive ever met. You tell me what i need to hear even when i don’t wanna hear it and i am so grateful for that. you have been one of my biggest rocks these past few years and I’m so happy i met you 3 years ago. I love you from the bottom of my heart.<3

K- You went from my best friend to my first love. sure it took some time but i have fallen in love. and i know its crazy to fall in love at such a young age but it just happened. I couldn't control it. You are the most amazing and supportive Person I have ever met. you have never let me down and are always there with a shoulder to cry on. you have been the most amazing boyfriend and best friend i could ask for. I love you so so much and i will never forget you. TE AMO x100000

Sarah xxx

A letter to you

Dear _____,

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for showing me how truely amazing I can actually be. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need certain people In my life for it to be a happy life. I just need good people. People who care. People who will actually show they love and appreciate me. Thank you for showing me that my life is finally mine. That I am in control. And nobody but me dictates the outcome. That I have control. And you don’t have the power anymore. That I decide how my life goes on. Not you anymore. 

Will I always love you. Yes. Will I always care for you. Yes. Would I do anything to have you in my life again? Yes and no.

One part of me loves you so much that I am willing to forgive everything you have ever done to me. Another part says I am stronger than that. That I can live without you 

One is anxiety. One is me. Guess which ones which. 

Now if you were to show up at my doorstep today. I honestly don’t know what I would do. Slam the door in your face, let you in, or break down crying. But I do know one thing. You will never have control of me again. You will never take my joy away again. You will NEVER take pleasure in destroying me ever again. It’s that simple. 
Sorry for such a weird post and for my lack of posts latley. Lots been on my mind! Stay strong everyone and I’m always here to chat! 

Sarah xxxx 

What should I post?

Hello lovelies!

I am currently in a bit of a rut. I have the motivation to post stuff, i just don’t know what to post. Heres a list of what I’m thinking of doing…

  1. my everyday makeup step by step.
  2. current popular music playlist
  3. my sister doing my makeup video
  4. get ready with me video -Prom? normal day?
  5. anxiety and depression helpful tips
  6. people who inspire me

I am in the process of filming a q and a. I might recruit my baby sister do it with me because I feel a bit awkward doing it.. comment below which ones you would like to see. or if you have some original ideas! I would love to hear them!! Cheers!

Sarah xxx

Hard Nights & Lovely Readers

Hello Lovely People,

How are you all? I hope you all are having a lovely day!

I have had a particularly hard night last night. I had extremely bad suicidal thoughts and compulsions. They came on really suddenly and fast. As some of you may know I was diagnosed with OCD about 2 years ago and its only progressed. But I am doing much better than I was before. This was just one hard night among many amazing nights.

I am currently sitting here listening to the greatest showman soundtrack and going through my old comments. I was thinking since I receive so many inspiring and beautiful comments, I would print them out and put them in a little book 🙂 Today I have received so many amazing comments from one person in particular. She has made my crappy day so much better! If you are reading this thank you for being so kind to a girl you don’t know and such an amazing human being with such a kind soul. I love you all and I don’t say this enough but I am so grateful for you all. Thank you for listening.

Sarah xx