Life Updates and Cotton Candy Grapes (Reuploaded)

Explaining whats going on in my life in early June

Hi lovelies!

It feels like its been forever since I did a blog post! Anyhoo, a lot has happened in the last month or so that I must update you all on! But first I have to tell you guys about these amazing grapes. They are literally called cotton candy grapes and taste just like cotton candy. They’re normal grapes but taste exactly like cotton candy. *mindblow* sorry for the random side track but I had to share that with you guys

Umm where to start?! OK well I went to Prom!! I didn’t think I would be able to go, with my seizures and all but my parents made a deal with the school that allowed me to attend my prom. I was so happy and am extremely grateful I got to go. Heres a few pictures..

(Sorry all the rest are with other people and I don’t have there permission to post them)ūüėĚ


Some other things that have happened.

  • I am back in school full-time ‚̧ which I am extremely happy about
  • I am almost 3 weeks free of seizures :))) Again, extremely extremely happy about
  • K sold his house and is going to be leaving in July
  • I found out that I might be moving?!

Let me go more into detail about that. So if you are a long time reader you will know that I used to live in the beautiful city known as Boston. I moved to Seattle at the beginning of 4th grade. Boston is my home and probably always will be. Most of my childhood was there and that’s where all my family is. These past couple months I have been really down in the dumps and not really myself. thinking of going to visit Boston always lifts my spirits ¬†My mom has been joking about moving back to Boston for a good 6 months now. Then maybe 2 weekends ago she straight up asked me. “Sarah what would you think if we moved back to Boston?” At first I was shocked. But after a few seconds I just said “Hell yeah”. I love it in Seattle, I really do, but its not home. We won’t be moving until my brother finishes his senior year, he’s only a junior, but in a year I will be back to my home. I don’t have many friends here anyways and the friends I do have are graduating, moving, or are just not really great friends. So I have been overjoyed with the news of the move. Honestly if we packed up and moved in the next week, I would be ok with it..

I feel like thats enough to dump on you all. That’s my life at the moment.

All the best

Sarah xxx

 

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House Arrest (Reuploaded)

At this point in my life I was having a seizure everyday ūüė¶

Hi loves!

These past few weeks have been pretty eventful for me. But first and foremost, I hope you all had a lovely easter and enjoyed, or are enjoying your spring break! I know my spring break was greatly appreciated! Anyway.. I have basically been on 24 hour surveillance¬†by my parents lately. They don’t let me out of their sight incase I have a seizure. The only time I ever got away was school and that ended in a disaster. Let me explain..

I went to school last Monday and had a seizure in the main common room. It was so embarrassing. I then had another one Wednesday and they had to call 911 so there were 4 paramedics, the owner of the school, all my teachers, friends, and classmates witnessed it all. I was mortified!!!

They then called my parents and said I can’t return because I am am a liability. Until I have a doctors note saying I can return I don’t leave the house. So for the past week I’ve been cooped up in my bedroom, extremely depressed and sad. My friends promised they would come see me yet I’ve had no one come. I know It’s silly of me but it just makes me worry that they’re going to forget all about me and move on. They all have been posting pictures together and going out, and then theres me that sits in my room watching tv in my bed and hoping my parents will let me walk to the mailbox by myself.

I understand its all for my safety, but it’s so frustrating! arrguhh!! I go see a doctor tomorrow so fingers crossed they let me go back to school and live my life again. Now it’s another sleepless night. yay!

Night lovelies!

Sarah xxx

sorry for the mopey post, just my life right now ūüė¶

Seizures and Youtube (Reuploaded)

I wrote this beginning of April when I first started having seizures. Things with the guy didn’t end up working out. Enjoy ūüėČ

Hi lovelies!

A lot has happened this past week.. heres a little insight…

  • I was in the hospital on Wednesday
  • I asked a guy to prom
  • I went on my first date
  • I got my first kiss
  • I ended things with the guy I asked to prom
  • I was in the hospital last night

Yeah,¬†a lot has happened. The major thing to me is the multiple hospital visits. I started to have these episode a few weeks ago and they just continue to get worse. Last night I passed out and was twitching for a full hour. We went to the hospital and they seem to think its a type of rare seizures that runs in my family. I am honestly really scared, I have seen people have seizure and not make it, I’ve heard stories about the horror of seizures. I’m going to a neurologist soon but I’m still worried that it’s going to happen again before I see this doctor.

Things with my prom date have been complicated!!! I’m just going to tell you guys its not a thing anymore. I’m just going with my friends.

I have been contemplating starting a youtube channel recently. I have a friend in the blogging world that has a huge blog and started a youtube channel and I really enjoy watching her vlog, and do Q & A’s. I’m quite nervous to start one because I’m afraid someone I know will find out.. any advice?

thanks for listening loves! ‚̧

Sarah xx

Anxiety and the Most Amazing Friends (Reuploaded)

This was also written during that particularly rough time in my life. It was right after “J” just kind of disappeared.

Hi Loves!!

It feels like it has been forever since I posted!! How are you all doing? This past week I have been driving up and down the east coast touring colleges. I’ll be honest it was strange thinking that I will be there in a few years. I mean, I’m only a freshman so I’ve still got some time ūüėČ

These past couple days have been rough for me. I just got back from vacation so that means school starts back up. Don’t get me wrong I love my school! That means it doesn’t stress me out. Over the weekend I went and saw a movie with K and another friend. We went and saw¬†A cure for Wellness.¬†10 out of 10 would not recommend if you have anxiety. All through out the movie I was getting flashbacks and getting extremely triggered. As soon I felt as though had enough, I left and waited in the lobby for the movie to be done. My friends had a feeling that the movie wasn’t the best choice so we left and just walked around the mall for a bit.

Flash forward to Monday. I got to school and felt awful. I was anxious and felt disgusting. Since I just got back from vacation I have been eating pretty bad, lots of fatty foods. After my english class I got a feeling in my body that I was about to do something bad. It was a feeling of pure impulsivity. right the minute I got rid of all threats to my life. I threw away all the pills in my bag and made sure I had nothing in my bag that could hurt myself with. But I couldn’t get rid of everything.

When all my friends left to go to lunch, I was all alone. When I am alone all I do is overthink. I got the idea in my mind that all my friends were going to dump me again and try to ruin my life. I then sat there thinking about my appearance and felt disgusting. I ran upstairs and made myself sick. Every bad thing that I had heard or been told about myself filled my thoughts. I threw up. This was the first time in 6 months this has happened. Everything that has happened in the past 3 months came crashing down on me. Loosing all my friends, rumors, having to admit a friend, and sending my best friend away. I broke. I called my friend, E, and she came a found me. She sat on the bathroom floor holding me and trying to calm me down. After she had calmed me down to an extant, she ran downstairs to find Jack. All I kept saying to her is that I had ruined someones life and they would never forgive me. I was talking about J. If you have read my previous blog posts, J was a friend that I had to admit into a hospital for a suicide attempt. He is furious with Jack and I for telling people.

Jack came upstairs and tried to calm me down. I was hysterical, I could not stop crying for the life of me. He asked me if I wanted to go drive around to see if that would calm me down. That sounded like such a nice idea to me. We left the school and just drove around town. He didn’t push me to talk about anything he just distracted me and tried to cheer me up. He talked to me about his family and how he is flying down the California to surprise his friend in the military. He made me laugh and held my hand whenever I started to get upset. About halfway through the ride I felt strong enough to tell him everything. At the time Jack didn’t really know anything about my past life. He knew I had a rough past couple years but he never pushed me to tell him anything. I told him about my eating disorder, about my ex boyfriend, about how I was feeling about J. He just sat there listening. After I had finished he pulled the car over and hugged me. I felt so safe and loved. I can’t even describe how I felt. I was just happy. Once he started driving again he said ” You honestly don’t have to change yourself. You are so tiny and innocent and beautiful and I hate that you think of yourself this way.” I couldn’t speak, it was such a sweet thing to say. We then went and got smoothies because he wanted to make sure I had something in my system before I went home. He dropped me off and I was actually feeling pretty good. My suicidal thoughts had faded away and I didn’t have any desire to hurt myself anymore. That all changed when I walked through the front door.

I didn’t even consider the possibility of my mother being mad at me. She was furious. She thought I had just bunked school for fun. I told her everything and she just got even more mad. She yelled at me that I should have eaten better and that this was insane. I was already so angry and upset at myself that her screaming at me did not help. I started to cry. She told me that if I want to loose weight to go exercise. She yelled at me to go for a run and how lazy I am. I was in shock. I understand that it wasn’t ok to leave school with a 18 year old and not tell her. That I totally understand I apologized and said I wouldn’t do it again.

Later after we had both semi calmed down, I said something about my ex and she started to scream at me about why I still think about him. She assured me that he doesn’t think or care about me at all, which is true but was still like knifes in my heart. I stormed out and refused to talk to her the rest of the night. My mom and I have NEVER gotten in a fight. She’s the person I tell everything too. I don’t know If I’m being overdramatic or if it is ok to feel this way. If I had felt this way 6 months ago I would be in the hospital right now because I would have tried too hurt myself. But it happened now and she got mad at me for not being in school.

I am so grateful and thankful for my friends, especially Jack. They are the most amazing people. ‚̧ Thank your for listening. I’m sorry things have been so dramatic lately.

Sarah xxx

Mindful Living (Reuploaded)

This is a technique I use to deal with my social anxiety. I thought I would share it with you all ūüôā

Hello Lovelys!


Sorry its been so long since I wrote! Finals have got me stressed!!

Today I thought I’d share a little bit of my life. This past summer I joined a group therapy that specialized in teaching mindfulness to young women. ¬†Mindfulness is¬†a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. I use this¬†technique everyday when I face day to day problems.¬†


Whenever I’m anxious or need to get away from a situation I think about mindfulness. I close my eyes and take a deep breathe. In for 3 seconds, out for 4 seconds. I repeat until I have calmed myself down enough to open my eyes. As I open my eyes I pick one object or person to focus on, it helps ease my mind and heart rate. While I am focusing on the object/person, I acknowledge my worries and tell myself to accept them. This technique usually works for me when I am having a rough day.¬†


If the combination above doesn’t work, I will leave the room, or wherever I am and take a minute outside. It is crazy what a bit of fresh air will do to your mood. I always try to find a abandon bench or steps to sit on. I close my eyes and go back to my favorite memory. I sit there reliving the moment. After I can picture the moment I start to focus on specific senses. What can I smell? What can I feel? What can I hear? Whenever I do this I always picture my trip to Cape Cod. My entire family and my moms college best friends family, who I am super close with, rented houses on the beach and it was the best week of my life. The specific ¬†memory I like to think about is our last night there. All the kids spent the week making this HUGE fire pit and rolling up logs for a camp fire. We stayed out there all night. I can still picture my baby sister asleep on my moms lap. I can still smell the smell of burning wood and salt water wavering in the air. I remember the rush of adrenalin when we ran into the freezing water in the middle of the night.


I am still in¬†therapy¬†twice a week dealing with my issues but my favorite¬†thing about it is, my art¬†therapy session. I¬†don’t understand why, but with art I can just say everything on a canvas. We¬†don’t even¬†have¬†to¬†talk and my¬†therapist knows what I am thinking. I think everyone with anxiety should at least try art therapy! It has helped me so much.¬†


These past few weeks we have been creating¬†strength¬†cards, A deck of card of what we think our strengths are or what we like about¬†our selfs. At first I found this¬†extremely difficult. I hate thinking about my¬†self in a¬†positive way. I¬†always have. After a¬†session of doing nothing cause I¬†couldn’t think of a¬†strength, she sent me home with 5 copies of a list of¬†strengths. She told me to give it 5 people I love and trust and have them check my strengths. It was¬†brilliant! I handed them out¬†to the people I love the most. My mom, my¬†best friend,¬†and my new friends! They¬†all sent them back with such positive feedback. I¬†immediately¬†started on the¬†project. I Loved it! I have made 50¬†+ cards. I¬†have cards about strengths, people, places and phrases I love. I take them¬†everywhere. Whenever I start to have bad thoughts or just start feeling sad, I¬†pull them out and look¬†through them. They always¬†cheer me up! Here are some of my favorites¬†‚ėü

           

Self help (left) Love (right)

 Compassion (left) Paint more or creativity (right)

Kind (left) All better, relax (right)


If you have anxiety or depression, I highly suggest making some of these! Thanks for reading!! 

Sarah xx


Ps I¬†don’t¬†know why the fonts are all messed up!¬†I’m working to try to fix it. haha