Life Update

Hello lovelies! 

Well what a week it’s been! Well actully a few weeks! In and out of the hostpital is not fun!! Yep you read that right. I was back at Childrens. Yipee. I went back Wednesday and got out Sunday morning. I just needed to be in a a safe place so I didn’t do anything to hurt myself. I’m now out and going to PHP (partial hospitalization program)  I’m actully writing this from the php lobby waiting for my mum to pick me up! Anyhooo! I just wanted to check in with you all and thank you so much for your support. It really does mean the world to me. You have no idea how much it helps me ❤❤ thank you again and hopefully things will be back to normal on here soon!! 

Cheers! 

Sarah xxx

Live

Hello everyone

(TRIGGER WARNING – This post will deal with topics such as suicide and depression)

It has been quite a week for me. I have been absent from my blog because I have been in the hospital actually. More specifically a mental hospital. Yes you read that right. I’ll get into that later but today I wanted to talk about some reasons to live.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression all my life. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have these feelings. These past few days have been really difficult and I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life and the people in it. Soo.. here is a list a reasons I need and want to live..

1. I want to start a family- This is my number one goal in life. I want to start a family an watch them grow up. I want to able to become the cheesy stereotypical soccer PTA mom. I want to see my kids graduate and move on to bigger and better things. I want to grow old with someone I love.
2. I want to see my siblings grow up- I have two younger siblings and an older brother. I want to be able to see my big brother graduate college, then get married and start a family of his own. I want to see my little sister succeed in life. I want my baby brother to defy the odds and do whatever he wants in life. I want them all to thrive in the world
3. I want to help people- My goal in life is to help people. That’s all I want to do with my life. Hopefully after college I will be able to go into the peace corps. I just want to make a difference in this world that makes it a more positive place.
4. I want to be able to love- I want to be able to hug my mom and dad. I want to be able to hang out with my best friends. Heck I even want to be able to get into fights with my siblings! I just want to be able to spread love everywhere I go.
5. I want to love myself- I want to love and appreciate myself. I want to grow up and look and the mirror and be proud of what I’m looking at. I want to love my body and accept all its flaws.I want to not give up when things get hard. I want to love myself.

Over this past week I attempted to kill myself. It was so scary but before I could do it I came to my senses and called 911. I was then taken to Seattle Childrens and admitted onto the PBM unit. I spent 3 and half days there and was finally discharged today. I am extremely grateful for all the support I had. I have realized in that time that I need to take charge of my life. I need to get some people out of my life. I need to stay close to more people. Just being in a mental hospital gives you so much perspective. There’s kids there just like you and they manage to stay so positive and supportive throughout what they’re going through. I just wanted to share this all with you because this blog is a way I express my emotions and life. This is my life at the moment. So please. Hug your loved ones, take charge of your life, and LIVE IT!!!!

 

Sarah xxx

sHe

WARNING – This post deals with topics such as suicide, anxiety and depression

She cries and cries cause the pain is too much

He cries cause he doesn’t know what the pain is

 

She has all the support in the world

He has nobody but the voices in his head.

 

It’s life or death for both

Who lives and who dies

Who stays who thrives

 

Her pain in spreading fast.

Poison intoxicates her body

She fights and fights

Weakness soon controls her

It controls her

She’s no longer just a person

She’s a person who has it

 

His pain is all in his thoughts

Poison fills his mind

He fights yet doesn’t know why

Vulnerability was his biggest weakness

He was never just a person

He was a person with it

 

Cries fill her ears

Laughter fills his

 

Slowly she gains her strength back

She lives

She wins

 

Slowly he looses

He gives up on trying

Gives up on life

 

Green eyes

Blue eyes

Meet at last

It was just a glance

 

The last glance for one

Im sorry for such a dark post. I just had too. A couple days ago marked the one year mark of my suicide attempt. I was so lost. I was the guy. this poem is supposed to represent that depression is a serious issue. People die from it every day. Its an illness. its affects lives. including my own. I was lost and thought I was alone and had nobody. You are not alone. you have people who love and care for you. I am one of those people. please seek help if you suffer from any mental illness. and if you ever need to talk please email me. ❤

stay strong my lovelies

Sarah xxxx

littleme653@gmail.com

Imma keep it real

Hello lovelies. 

Today Im gonna keep it real. This blog has always been a way for me to express my feelings and my difficulties through life. And that’s what I plan on doing. I’m just gonna rant for today’s post.  So here’s how life’s been
Life been pretty sucky. My best friend moved. I haven’t seen my friends on what feels like FOREVER. and I’m just overall always in a crappy mood. My body image issues have come back and are so distracting. Thank goodness Summers almost over cause I honestly don’t think I can wear a swimsuit in front of anyone. I’m so self conscious about my stomach and my legs that’s I hate wearing anything. The other day it was 90 out and I wore long denim overalls and a tshirt cause I was so Ashamed of my body. 

Here’s the thing. All my friends are getting paired up and getting Into realationships. I feel so left out and like I just want a relationship. I get here a lot of work and I’m ready I just want to be able to have someone to call my own. 

And then there’s school. School starts in 6 days and I’m soooo not ready. I miss all my friends and can’t wait to see them but I am so not ready to get back to waking up early and all that jazz. 
Sorry for the rant like post. I just really needed to get all that out! I’m working on a really difficult post that way take me a while longer but when it’s done I know I’m gonna be really proud of it :)) 
Sarah xxxx

5 Summer Outfits

Hi lovlies!

Since its summer, I thought I would do something a bit different on here. This blog has mostly been a place to share my experiences in life as I grow up. Today I figured I switch it up. I have complied a few outfits that I have recently purchased, or already had in my closet. I thought I could show you all what my style is. So enjoy! and don’t forget to comment which outfit is your favorite!

My style is quite quirky one.. some days I wear heels and a floral top and other days I wear leather jacket and band tees. So this is a wide variety or styles. I hope that everyone finds an outfit you like 🙂

Outfit One 

This outfit is quite edgy and rocker. I would wear this outfit if I was going into town to walk around pikes place, a night out on the town and maybe even date night

Urban Decay Vice lipstick in the Shade Bad Blood – Sephora

Michael Kors Leather Jacket – Nordstrom

Mens Rolling Stones t-shirt- Target

Accordion pleaded skirt in the color tomato- Forever 21

Black Hightop Converse- Allstar

This outfit is what I would wear during just having a shitty week. It just screams badass and I don’t care what you think of me. It makes me feel powerful!! I do own everything in this outfit except the red shirt (which I just ordered online) so I have been pairing these with me american eagle distressed black jeans. A rep lip almost always completes a look, it can make a bland outfit into something completely new! This is what I wear to feel empowered.

Outfit Two

This next outfit is my chill out outfit if I’m not going anywhere for the day. Just throw your hair into a messy bun and this outfit is complete. It’s quite a boring outfit but I find different to make it interesting 🙂

Tie-Dye Graphic Tee- Forever 21

Denim Overalls- Nordstrom Rack

Circus Sandals- Famous Footwear

These overalls aren’t the exact ones I have but are very similar. This is my i honestly could care less of what you think of me look.

Outfit Three

This next one is an outfit that is semi formal. I wore this to a few graduation ceremonies.

 Now this isn’t the exact dress, mine had a bit of peach in it but it is very close.

 Slip Dress- Nordstrom Rack

Cropped White T-shirt- Urban Outfitters

Black Booties- ??

I couldn’t find a picture of my boots that I usually wear and I’m far to lazy to go find them. 😂

Outfit Four

This is another chill outfit. something to wear just when I’m out and about not really

doing anything,

 

Coco-Cola Cropped Shirt- Urban Outfitters

Saint Tropez Festival Shorts- Garage Clothing

Nike Slides- Nike Store

 

Outfit Five

This is a casual going out outfit. I would wear this if i was going out for the night with friends or going to dinner.

Mascara and Coffee Shirt- Old Navy

Patched Denim Skirt- Forever 21

White High Top Converse- Allstar

Kylie lip kit in the shade Candy- Kylie Cosmetics

 

So thats basically my summer wardrobe! Please leave a comment on which outfit is your favorite!

I’ll talk to you all soon!

Sarah xx

Bad Thoughts and OCD

(TIGGER WARNING) – this post will discuss things such as suicide and OCD tendencies.

Hey guys!

I’m so sorry for my absence lately on this blog. I’ve been having a really hard time with my health lately. Thats what I’m actually going to talk about. My OCD has gotten out of control. It has taken over my life. I started getting really bad compulsions starting Thursday ( its now Monday ) I feel like I can’t think of anything else.

My OCD compulsions are when my brain tells me that I have to do one thing and if you don’t something else is going to happen. Mine are usually really innocent like, don’t step on sidewalk cracks or you’ll get a stomach ache. Just completely random things . But lately they’ve been darker..

My 2main ones were that I had to scratch my arm or else someone else would get hurt. After 2 days of constantly scratching my arm was raw and so sensitive. I had to wrap my entire arms in ace bandages to stop myself. The other one was if I didn’t die someone I loved would. Last night I tried to kill myself. I tried to cut my wrists but stopped myself and called out to my mom for help. We went to the hospital and were there for a few hours until I fell asleep. I woke up and they said if I felt safe I could go home. So I did. I am unharmed. I didn’t want to kill myself. I don’t want to die. the thoughts just got too overwhelming,  I still have my bad thoughts but they aren’t as constant, thank goodness.

Anyway my life kind of a mess since I retuned from Boston. I think I was just trying really hard to keep it together in Boston that I just kinda broke when I got back to Seattle. My family is really overwhelming and I didn’t freak out which really surprised me, but I think this is me freaking out.

Thank you for your unwavering support on my blog.

Sarah xxx

 

 

Facing fears

Helloo lovlies💗

Today I faceed on it my biggest fears. I went to the beach. I absolutely hate wearing swim suits but I LOVE the water! I went with my family to a beach in Boston for 3 hours and it was so much fun ☺️ We had competitions on who could catch and ride the better wave or who could stay under water the longest.

When I first got there I was really nervous to take of my dress and be so exposed. But after a few minutes of just sitting around I was extremely hot and had to take of my coverup.

Im actually quite proud of myself for not giving a shit what others thought. There were a few moments when I would see someone really fit and be really self conscious. But I just pushed those away :))

Thank you for your advice on my last post. I’m hopefully going to be posting 2 new posts this weekend so keep your eyes peeled for them!

thanks for listening

Sarah xxx

Rekindling Old Friendships

Hello Everyone!

Today something quite strange happened to me. I was just hanging out at home and I got a notification that my old friends had asked to follow me on Instagram. A little background on them…

I met these 2 people 5 years ago when I moved here. After a year we all became really good friends. It is a boy and a girl. I dated the boy off and on for a year and was best friends with the girl. After me and the guy decided to call it quits him and my best friend started dating. They were the schools power couple and I just kinda got left in the dust. when they first started dating is when they boy got worse. He would make comments about my weight and appearance and I know it was all jokes but it really hurt. It was the main reason for why my eating disorder got out of control. I decided to cut them out of my life. And that worked. until it didn’t. Then suddenly all my friends just decided they didn’t like me and they liked them more. So I was left with no friends. We haven’t talked in maybe a year and half.

Now these people have been such a big part of my life. They were my best friends and I will always care for them. I’m actually talking to the guy right now on snapchat. For the past 2 year the guy has begged for my forgiveness he feels so bad for what he did and I know he didn’t mean it . He’s a sweet kid. The girl said she’s sorry sand wants to make amends. My question is how do I know this wont happen again. I don’t. So its a big risk for me. and my mom is going to KILL me. she hates them both for what they have done. she would never let me see them. EVER. UUUGH!! I’ts just so frustrating. Any advice?

Thanks for listening ❤

Sarah xxx

Body Conscious

Hey guys!

How are you all? I hope you’re having a lovely summer! At the moment I am on vacation in Boston. If you are a long time reader you would know that I am originally from Boston and my whole family lives here. I am currently staying at my grandmothers house where most of my family and friends hang out at while we’re here. They have a pool and we’re always having parties and friend over to swim and have bbq’s. I get so self conscious around everyone. I struggle a lot with body positivity and eating right. I suffer from an eating disorder so its a real struggle for me. All my friends are a lot skinnier and small than me. I’m quite a curvy girl and I’ve always hated my curves! I was just always told they weren’t pretty. By the media, by people I know, by myself. I recently had a group of friends come over for a little get together at the pool and I felt so uncomfortable! There was also this guy I like that was there and I was so anxious and jittery around him.

Today I went to an amusement park that had a bunch of waterslide rides. I was actually contemplating just going in my clothes I was scared of getting judged by these strangers. Ahhh I don’t know why I’m like this. Arghh. Anyway other than that Boston is going very well!! We’ve been looking gat houses while we’re here and we saw the perfect house!!! It is on a lake and its so amazing and I love it so much 🙂

Sorry for the short update. Working on something for you all 😉

I hope you all have a lovely day ❤

Sarah xxx

Life Updates and Cotton Candy Grapes (Reuploaded)

Explaining whats going on in my life in early June

Hi lovelies!

It feels like its been forever since I did a blog post! Anyhoo, a lot has happened in the last month or so that I must update you all on! But first I have to tell you guys about these amazing grapes. They are literally called cotton candy grapes and taste just like cotton candy. They’re normal grapes but taste exactly like cotton candy. *mindblow* sorry for the random side track but I had to share that with you guys

Umm where to start?! OK well I went to Prom!! I didn’t think I would be able to go, with my seizures and all but my parents made a deal with the school that allowed me to attend my prom. I was so happy and am extremely grateful I got to go. Heres a few pictures..

(Sorry all the rest are with other people and I don’t have there permission to post them)😝

Some other things that have happened.

• I am back in school full-time ❤ which I am extremely happy about
• I am almost 3 weeks free of seizures :))) Again, extremely extremely happy about
• K sold his house and is going to be leaving in July
• I found out that I might be moving?!

Let me go more into detail about that. So if you are a long time reader you will know that I used to live in the beautiful city known as Boston. I moved to Seattle at the beginning of 4th grade. Boston is my home and probably always will be. Most of my childhood was there and that’s where all my family is. These past couple months I have been really down in the dumps and not really myself. thinking of going to visit Boston always lifts my spirits  My mom has been joking about moving back to Boston for a good 6 months now. Then maybe 2 weekends ago she straight up asked me. “Sarah what would you think if we moved back to Boston?” At first I was shocked. But after a few seconds I just said “Hell yeah”. I love it in Seattle, I really do, but its not home. We won’t be moving until my brother finishes his senior year, he’s only a junior, but in a year I will be back to my home. I don’t have many friends here anyways and the friends I do have are graduating, moving, or are just not really great friends. So I have been overjoyed with the news of the move. Honestly if we packed up and moved in the next week, I would be ok with it..

I feel like thats enough to dump on you all. That’s my life at the moment.

All the best

Sarah xxx