A letter to you

Dear _____,

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for showing me how truely amazing I can actually be. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need certain people In my life for it to be a happy life. I just need good people. People who care. People who will actually show they love and appreciate me. Thank you for showing me that my life is finally mine. That I am in control. And nobody but me dictates the outcome. That I have control. And you don’t have the power anymore. That I decide how my life goes on. Not you anymore. 

Will I always love you. Yes. Will I always care for you. Yes. Would I do anything to have you in my life again? Yes and no.

One part of me loves you so much that I am willing to forgive everything you have ever done to me. Another part says I am stronger than that. That I can live without you 

One is anxiety. One is me. Guess which ones which. 

Now if you were to show up at my doorstep today. I honestly don’t know what I would do. Slam the door in your face, let you in, or break down crying. But I do know one thing. You will never have control of me again. You will never take my joy away again. You will NEVER take pleasure in destroying me ever again. It’s that simple. 
Sorry for such a weird post and for my lack of posts latley. Lots been on my mind! Stay strong everyone and I’m always here to chat! 

Sarah xxxx 


What should I post?

Hello lovelies!

I am currently in a bit of a rut. I have the motivation to post stuff, i just don’t know what to post. Heres a list of what I’m thinking of doing…

  1. my everyday makeup step by step.
  2. current popular music playlist
  3. my sister doing my makeup video
  4. get ready with me video -Prom? normal day?
  5. anxiety and depression helpful tips
  6. people who inspire me

I am in the process of filming a q and a. I might recruit my baby sister do it with me because I feel a bit awkward doing it.. comment below which ones you would like to see. or if you have some original ideas! I would love to hear them!! Cheers!

Sarah xxx

Hard Nights & Lovely Readers

Hello Lovely People,

How are you all? I hope you all are having a lovely day!

I have had a particularly hard night last night. I had extremely bad suicidal thoughts and compulsions. They came on really suddenly and fast. As some of you may know I was diagnosed with OCD about 2 years ago and its only progressed. But I am doing much better than I was before. This was just one hard night among many amazing nights.

I am currently sitting here listening to the greatest showman soundtrack and going through my old comments. I was thinking since I receive so many inspiring and beautiful comments, I would print them out and put them in a little book 🙂 Today I have received so many amazing comments from one person in particular. She has made my crappy day so much better! If you are reading this thank you for being so kind to a girl you don’t know and such an amazing human being with such a kind soul. I love you all and I don’t say this enough but I am so grateful for you all. Thank you for listening.

Sarah xx

My Eating Disorder

Hello Everyone.

Today we are gonna do something a bit on the more serious side. I am going to tell you a all a story. The story of a girl who hated herself. But is now growing to love herself. I hope this will bring some of you some hope to know it does get better and you are not alone.

So it all started when I was about 4 years old. That’s the earliest I can remember. I would look at myself and hate what I would see. As a kid I was extremely outgoing and confident. Until about 4th grade. Thats when I finally started to notice I didn’t look like the other girls. It was just after a huge move across the country and I had no friends and was starting a new school. I was brought up in a town west of Boston, where everyone cared what they looked like. When I moved to a tiny town just north of Seattle, It was the complete opposite. Nobody cared what they wore or how they looked and were happy in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I always loved dressing up. I felt like I could be a more confident version of myself. When I started this new school I was the odd girl out. I was the one who always wore a dress but only hung out with the guys. I didn’t have any girlfriends. Guys were just so much more inviting and less drama. So most of the girls made fun of me. Thats when my eating disorder kickstarted.

Flash forward about 2 years and I was a completely different person. I wore nothing but basketball shorts and hoodies and never brushed my hair. I had changed my entire appearance to fit in and make some friends. This was now 6th grade and I had friends. Yay me! They were actually quite good friends who I am still friends with today but we sort of fell out of touch in middle school. Anyway, Jump into middle school. I was so self conscious  and could barley go to school cause of my anxiety. I had an on and off “boyfriend” (I don’t really consider him a boyfriend it was 7th grade and nothing happened) at the time. Then this boyfriend got together with my best friend. I was happy for them! I knew she liked him and he was a good guy so I had nothing to be upset about. I really didn’t even want to date anyone at the time, I thought I was too young. This is the time when I was most vulnerable . I hated how I looked and I stopped going to school because of how bad my anxiety was. And he knew that. So he used it. He would say nobody would love me and I looked bad in dresses and other things that I don’t even want to say.

My self confidence was destroyed. This was one of my best friends. Oh I just remembered theres something you should know. I crave peoples acceptance. If someone says something bad about me it hits me so hard and ruins me. I cant stand when someone doesn’t like me. I don’t know what to do I just breakdown .Continuing with my story.. My self confidence was nonexistent. I cared so much what this guy said I was willing to do anything to make him like me. So I stopped eating. And when I did eat I made myself throw it all up. I lost so much weight. I was so weak I couldn’t walk upstairs without being out of breathe. I started getting chest pains and my periods stopped. While all this was happening I didn’t tell a soul. Not my mother, not my best friend. Nobody. I was slowly loosing the will to live. I didn’t care if I was killing myself, I just wanted to be skinny and beautiful. One day I finally told my brother. I just broke down and I had to tell someone. So I told him, and he told my mom. I didn’t know my mom knew for months. But she would always make sure I wasn’t alone after eating and I was eating.

A few months had passed and I finally got the courage to tell her. I told her and she booked an appointment for an eating disorder clinic and called my psychiatrist. A few moths later I was placed in an intensive outpatient clinic with 7 other girls. I got my weight back up and was living a healthy life. For about a year I was confident in my body and didn’t even think of what I ate. It was so amazing.

These past few months have been a challenge. I have gained lots of weight from the medication I’m on. These meds make me extremely hungry and makes my brain tell me I’m hungry when Im actually full. I have struggled a lot with my body image issues lately. I just look at myself and hate what I see. I see a big belly, thick thighs, big boobs, wide hips, and I hate it. I just want to be that skinny girl again sometimes.

But then I remember how unhappy I was then. How unloved I felt. How I couldn’t walk up stairs or go outside cause I would get too dizzy. How I hated myself even more. Then I remember how loved I am right now. I have an amazing family who loves and supports me. A fantastic boyfriend who never fails to put a smile on my face, and beautiful friends who support whatever I do. I am so grateful to be alive and healthy. Do I wish I was a few pounds lighter? Of course. And maybe I’ll drop that weight. But I will do it in a healthy way. I love you all and thank you for letting me share my story.

Sarah xxxx

The good and bad days

A cool gentle breeze is on the horizon. Its a a clear and sunny day and the water is still. Maybe a few waves here and there. That’s what my mind is like on good days. I am at a point in my life where everyday I am not struggling. I do not want to end my life every waking moment. That doesn’t mean I am cured. I still do get moments where I want to throw myself of a bridge. I do get moments as I fall asleep that I wish I will never wake up. But I also get moments where I breathe in the salty ocean air, or laugh at a joke one of my mates has said. I get moments when I feel so much love I could burst.

…Right now isn’t one of those moments..

Right now its a raging ocean. Waves and crashing down over and over and its such big storm nobody knows what to do. They just pray it passes. But what if it doesn’t. What if the storm grows and grows until it’s unstoppable. Till destruction is the only answer. Thats how I feel. Like I have no there options. Destruction is the only answer.

But I know its not the answer. The answer is laughter. The answer is passion. The answer is LOVE. and I have so much love in my  life. Whether its my parents, friends, boyfriend, or people I’ve met here. I am loved. YOU ARE LOVED. So please think before you act and know you are not alone. I am here for you and I know you can do this. Below is a number for a suicide hotline you guys can call 24-7. If you’re in immediate danger please don’t hesitate to call the local authorities for help. I love you all so so much

Sarah xxxx

Suicide hotline- 1-800-273-8255

Oh What a Life


If you are new here. Welcome! If your an old friend, welcome back!! This week I thought I would get a bit deep with you all. As some of you might know I have been in and out of the hospital for the past couple months due to suicide attempts and super bad OCD thoughts. I just got out of SCH a week ago from drinking laundry detergent.

Now this isn’t for attention. This blog has always been a place where I share my emotions and my life with you all and this is my life.  This is also going to be a hugee rant that includes my religious beliefs. So read at your own risk..

I just sit here and question why me. Why me. Why did god make me this way. Why did god make me hate myself. Why can’t I just love. I just want to love myself yet I hate myself. If god loves me than why does he make me hate myself. Im sitting writing this blog post in the middle of my church teen group which I got to emotional to be in so I’m crying in the hallway. Why god. Why did you do this to me. Please just make me better. Let me love. Let me love myself. Let me live. Not just breathe, actully live!! Let me go on late night adventures. Let me go to college. Let me make stupid decisions that I’ll regret. Let me fall in love and have it break me. Let me fall in love and it completes me. Let me LIVE. I want to wake up one day and be happy. I want to wake up and say this is what I want. This is what all these struggles have been for and I’m ok with that. Because I’m finally happy. Because I’m finally living. Because I’m me.
Thanks for listening sorry for the rant😬

Love youuu!

Sarah xxx