Monsters

“Draw a monster. Now why is it a monster?” Is it the scary teeth and claws, or the size of the monster. My monsters don’t look like normal monsters you see in movies. My monsters are the ghost of the past. What has happened and what could have happened

What if’s are on of my monsters . What if I did something different. What if i didn’t do this or that. What if. Thats the question I ask myself everyday. What if I had just kept my mouth shut. Would I still have these people in my life. Would I be happy? Or would I be dead?

My mind is my biggest monster. If its left alone it just sits and thinks and thinks. It doesn’t ever stop. Everywhere I look I see a missed opportunity. My illness tells me I did everything wrong. but what do I think..

Do you ever just meet those people your drawn too. There’s something about them that pulls you in. Those people are my monsters. The kind you can’t control yourself around. The kind that take over life in the best and worst ways possible. The people who have the most influence on you. Your mind just goes blank and everything they say is right in your mind. I had one of those. and it almost killed me.

Monsters.  They come and go. Some last forever. But you overcome the fear. I’ve learned that I can live and still have some monsters. Monsters are scary but what makes them monsters. What makes them so scary? If you can overcome fear itself you can accomplish anything. So I challenge you. Comment your monsters below and see if you can come up with a way to face your fears. I defiantly have just by letting go of my monster and accepting it..

Love you guys

Sarah xxx

 

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Life Update  

Hello lovelies! 

Well what a week it’s been! Well actully a few weeks! In and out of the hostpital is not fun!! Yep you read that right. I was back at Childrens. Yipee. I went back Wednesday and got out Sunday morning. I just needed to be in a a safe place so I didn’t do anything to hurt myself. I’m now out and going to PHP (partial hospitalization program)  I’m actully writing this from the php lobby waiting for my mum to pick me up! Anyhooo! I just wanted to check in with you all and thank you so much for your support. It really does mean the world to me. You have no idea how much it helps me ❤❤ thank you again and hopefully things will be back to normal on here soon!! 

Cheers! 

Sarah xxx

Live

Hello everyone

(TRIGGER WARNING – This post will deal with topics such as suicide and depression)

It has been quite a week for me. I have been absent from my blog because I have been in the hospital actually. More specifically a mental hospital. Yes you read that right. I’ll get into that later but today I wanted to talk about some reasons to live.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression all my life. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have these feelings. These past few days have been really difficult and I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life and the people in it. Soo.. here is a list a reasons I need and want to live..

  1. I want to start a family- This is my number one goal in life. I want to start a family an watch them grow up. I want to able to become the cheesy stereotypical soccer PTA mom. I want to see my kids graduate and move on to bigger and better things. I want to grow old with someone I love.
  2. I want to see my siblings grow up- I have two younger siblings and an older brother. I want to be able to see my big brother graduate college, then get married and start a family of his own. I want to see my little sister succeed in life. I want my baby brother to defy the odds and do whatever he wants in life. I want them all to thrive in the world
  3. I want to help people- My goal in life is to help people. That’s all I want to do with my life. Hopefully after college I will be able to go into the peace corps. I just want to make a difference in this world that makes it a more positive place.
  4. I want to be able to love- I want to be able to hug my mom and dad. I want to be able to hang out with my best friends. Heck I even want to be able to get into fights with my siblings! I just want to be able to spread love everywhere I go.
  5. I want to love myself- I want to love and appreciate myself. I want to grow up and look and the mirror and be proud of what I’m looking at. I want to love my body and accept all its flaws.I want to not give up when things get hard. I want to love myself.

Over this past week I attempted to kill myself. It was so scary but before I could do it I came to my senses and called 911. I was then taken to Seattle Childrens and admitted onto the PBM unit. I spent 3 and half days there and was finally discharged today. I am extremely grateful for all the support I had. I have realized in that time that I need to take charge of my life. I need to get some people out of my life. I need to stay close to more people. Just being in a mental hospital gives you so much perspective. There’s kids there just like you and they manage to stay so positive and supportive throughout what they’re going through. I just wanted to share this all with you because this blog is a way I express my emotions and life. This is my life at the moment. So please. Hug your loved ones, take charge of your life, and LIVE IT!!!!

 

Sarah xxx

Equality 

Hello friends. 

I wanted to share a video with you all today. I was really inspired and truely touched by logic’s performance tonight at the VMA’s and I wanted to share it all with you if you haven’t seen it. It is a message about equality for all. A message to bring awareness to suicide and anxiety. I love this album and all it stands for. Please give the video a watch. ❤

Thanks for watching. 

Sarah xxx​

sHe

WARNING – This post deals with topics such as suicide, anxiety and depression

She cries and cries cause the pain is too much

He cries cause he doesn’t know what the pain is

 

She has all the support in the world

He has nobody but the voices in his head.

 

It’s life or death for both

Who lives and who dies

Who stays who thrives

 

Her pain in spreading fast.

Poison intoxicates her body

She fights and fights

Weakness soon controls her

It controls her

She’s no longer just a person

She’s a person who has it

 

His pain is all in his thoughts

Poison fills his mind

He fights yet doesn’t know why

Vulnerability was his biggest weakness

He was never just a person

He was a person with it

 

Cries fill her ears

Laughter fills his

 

Slowly she gains her strength back

She lives

She wins

 

Slowly he looses

He gives up on trying

Gives up on life

 

Green eyes

Blue eyes

Meet at last

It was just a glance

 

The last glance for one

Im sorry for such a dark post. I just had too. A couple days ago marked the one year mark of my suicide attempt. I was so lost. I was the guy. this poem is supposed to represent that depression is a serious issue. People die from it every day. Its an illness. its affects lives. including my own. I was lost and thought I was alone and had nobody. You are not alone. you have people who love and care for you. I am one of those people. please seek help if you suffer from any mental illness. and if you ever need to talk please email me. ❤

stay strong my lovelies

Sarah xxxx

littleme653@gmail.com

Imma keep it real 

Hello lovelies. 

Today Im gonna keep it real. This blog has always been a way for me to express my feelings and my difficulties through life. And that’s what I plan on doing. I’m just gonna rant for today’s post.  So here’s how life’s been
Life been pretty sucky. My best friend moved. I haven’t seen my friends on what feels like FOREVER. and I’m just overall always in a crappy mood. My body image issues have come back and are so distracting. Thank goodness Summers almost over cause I honestly don’t think I can wear a swimsuit in front of anyone. I’m so self conscious about my stomach and my legs that’s I hate wearing anything. The other day it was 90 out and I wore long denim overalls and a tshirt cause I was so Ashamed of my body. 

Here’s the thing. All my friends are getting paired up and getting Into realationships. I feel so left out and like I just want a relationship. I get here a lot of work and I’m ready I just want to be able to have someone to call my own. 

And then there’s school. School starts in 6 days and I’m soooo not ready. I miss all my friends and can’t wait to see them but I am so not ready to get back to waking up early and all that jazz. 
Sorry for the rant like post. I just really needed to get all that out! I’m working on a really difficult post that way take me a while longer but when it’s done I know I’m gonna be really proud of it :)) 
Sarah xxxx

Bad Thoughts and OCD

(TIGGER WARNING) – this post will discuss things such as suicide and OCD tendencies.

Hey guys!

I’m so sorry for my absence lately on this blog. I’ve been having a really hard time with my health lately. Thats what I’m actually going to talk about. My OCD has gotten out of control. It has taken over my life. I started getting really bad compulsions starting Thursday ( its now Monday ) I feel like I can’t think of anything else.

My OCD compulsions are when my brain tells me that I have to do one thing and if you don’t something else is going to happen. Mine are usually really innocent like, don’t step on sidewalk cracks or you’ll get a stomach ache. Just completely random things . But lately they’ve been darker..

My 2main ones were that I had to scratch my arm or else someone else would get hurt. After 2 days of constantly scratching my arm was raw and so sensitive. I had to wrap my entire arms in ace bandages to stop myself. The other one was if I didn’t die someone I loved would. Last night I tried to kill myself. I tried to cut my wrists but stopped myself and called out to my mom for help. We went to the hospital and were there for a few hours until I fell asleep. I woke up and they said if I felt safe I could go home. So I did. I am unharmed. I didn’t want to kill myself. I don’t want to die. the thoughts just got too overwhelming,  I still have my bad thoughts but they aren’t as constant, thank goodness.

Anyway my life kind of a mess since I retuned from Boston. I think I was just trying really hard to keep it together in Boston that I just kinda broke when I got back to Seattle. My family is really overwhelming and I didn’t freak out which really surprised me, but I think this is me freaking out.

Thank you for your unwavering support on my blog.

Sarah xxx