This was also written during that particularly rough time in my life. It was right after “J” just kind of disappeared.
It feels like it has been forever since I posted!! How are you all doing? This past week I have been driving up and down the east coast touring colleges. I’ll be honest it was strange thinking that I will be there in a few years. I mean, I’m only a freshman so I’ve still got some time 😉
These past couple days have been rough for me. I just got back from vacation so that means school starts back up. Don’t get me wrong I love my school! That means it doesn’t stress me out. Over the weekend I went and saw a movie with K and another friend. We went and saw A cure for Wellness. 10 out of 10 would not recommend if you have anxiety. All through out the movie I was getting flashbacks and getting extremely triggered. As soon I felt as though had enough, I left and waited in the lobby for the movie to be done. My friends had a feeling that the movie wasn’t the best choice so we left and just walked around the mall for a bit.
Flash forward to Monday. I got to school and felt awful. I was anxious and felt disgusting. Since I just got back from vacation I have been eating pretty bad, lots of fatty foods. After my english class I got a feeling in my body that I was about to do something bad. It was a feeling of pure impulsivity. right the minute I got rid of all threats to my life. I threw away all the pills in my bag and made sure I had nothing in my bag that could hurt myself with. But I couldn’t get rid of everything.
When all my friends left to go to lunch, I was all alone. When I am alone all I do is overthink. I got the idea in my mind that all my friends were going to dump me again and try to ruin my life. I then sat there thinking about my appearance and felt disgusting. I ran upstairs and made myself sick. Every bad thing that I had heard or been told about myself filled my thoughts. I threw up. This was the first time in 6 months this has happened. Everything that has happened in the past 3 months came crashing down on me. Loosing all my friends, rumors, having to admit a friend, and sending my best friend away. I broke. I called my friend, E, and she came a found me. She sat on the bathroom floor holding me and trying to calm me down. After she had calmed me down to an extant, she ran downstairs to find Jack. All I kept saying to her is that I had ruined someones life and they would never forgive me. I was talking about J. If you have read my previous blog posts, J was a friend that I had to admit into a hospital for a suicide attempt. He is furious with Jack and I for telling people.
Jack came upstairs and tried to calm me down. I was hysterical, I could not stop crying for the life of me. He asked me if I wanted to go drive around to see if that would calm me down. That sounded like such a nice idea to me. We left the school and just drove around town. He didn’t push me to talk about anything he just distracted me and tried to cheer me up. He talked to me about his family and how he is flying down the California to surprise his friend in the military. He made me laugh and held my hand whenever I started to get upset. About halfway through the ride I felt strong enough to tell him everything. At the time Jack didn’t really know anything about my past life. He knew I had a rough past couple years but he never pushed me to tell him anything. I told him about my eating disorder, about my ex boyfriend, about how I was feeling about J. He just sat there listening. After I had finished he pulled the car over and hugged me. I felt so safe and loved. I can’t even describe how I felt. I was just happy. Once he started driving again he said ” You honestly don’t have to change yourself. You are so tiny and innocent and beautiful and I hate that you think of yourself this way.” I couldn’t speak, it was such a sweet thing to say. We then went and got smoothies because he wanted to make sure I had something in my system before I went home. He dropped me off and I was actually feeling pretty good. My suicidal thoughts had faded away and I didn’t have any desire to hurt myself anymore. That all changed when I walked through the front door.
I didn’t even consider the possibility of my mother being mad at me. She was furious. She thought I had just bunked school for fun. I told her everything and she just got even more mad. She yelled at me that I should have eaten better and that this was insane. I was already so angry and upset at myself that her screaming at me did not help. I started to cry. She told me that if I want to loose weight to go exercise. She yelled at me to go for a run and how lazy I am. I was in shock. I understand that it wasn’t ok to leave school with a 18 year old and not tell her. That I totally understand I apologized and said I wouldn’t do it again.
Later after we had both semi calmed down, I said something about my ex and she started to scream at me about why I still think about him. She assured me that he doesn’t think or care about me at all, which is true but was still like knifes in my heart. I stormed out and refused to talk to her the rest of the night. My mom and I have NEVER gotten in a fight. She’s the person I tell everything too. I don’t know If I’m being overdramatic or if it is ok to feel this way. If I had felt this way 6 months ago I would be in the hospital right now because I would have tried too hurt myself. But it happened now and she got mad at me for not being in school.
I am so grateful and thankful for my friends, especially Jack. They are the most amazing people. ❤ Thank your for listening. I’m sorry things have been so dramatic lately.