that feeling everyone gets

You know that feeling. The one where you could be surrounded by people but still feel all alone in this world. Where you feel like you are loosing everything and everyone and you cant stop it no matter what. That’s what the past few days have been for me.

In the last 2 days i have found out that the guy that I love doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to see me. Yep, take it all in. Let me start from the beginning

A few days ago I was just in my room watching tv when i started talking to a friend. She was ruminating about her boyfriend so I started ruminating about k. I am still in love with k, deeply in love.

About a month ago I flew from Boston to Seattle for my brothers graduation, while I was there k and I had some issues on whether or not it was a good idea to stay friends. We got together to talk it through and one thing led to another and I kissed him. Big mistake

He didn’t kiss me back. he kinda pushed me away after a couple of seconds and i was so embarrassed. Now flash forward to a few days ago and we never had talked about it. So me being me I asked him this..

“Why didn’t you kiss me back?”

His response?

“I really don’t think this conversation is a good idea..”

I immediately started to ruminate again. What if theres some else? what if he cheated on me while were dating? what if he just doesn’t love me anymore?

So of course I pushed him to tell me. He told me repeatedly that he didn’t think this was a good conversation to have, but I had to know. So he finally told me. He didn’t love me anymore.

Ok well that sounds a lot crueler than how he said it. Let me rephrase that. He did not love me like that anymore. And by that I mean, he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He made it very clear he still loves me as a friend.

Now this came as a complete shock to me. He had been in love with me for years.  He has told me he had been in love with me for years. And then I leave for a month and that suddenly goes away? I started to ask myself ridiculous questions;

Did he even really love me in the first place? Did I drive him away with all my issues?

Now I know all these questions seem silly and ridiculous but to me they left true. I really thought he didn’t care about me anymore…

I cried for hours that night. I finally was able to get myself to bed after maybe 3 hours of crying. I was devastated. He was my first real love. We shared so much and now its all in the past. Just a memory

The next day I texted him wanting to apologize. I wanted to apologize for pushing him to tell me something he didn’t want too. I did apologize and then we got into a discussion of whether or not he should still come out to visit me in Boston. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea. Which I totally get but still broke my heart. He didn’t want to see me. I was having this conversation in the waiting room of a doctors office over text with him. I finally just stopped responding.. I physically felt sick and disgusting. I started to cry. I texted my mom who was in an appointment that we needed to leave. When she came out to get me I broke. I started sobbing and balling. I couldn’t hold it inside anymore. thankfully we were at met psychiatrists office so I went in to see him. He sat with me and my parents as I cried And just kept telling me I was ok. I was safe. It had to be one of the worst anxiety attacks of my life. I felt so scared and alone. Like a gun was being held to my head but only I could see it.

After talking to him for a bit I went home. I spent the night watching movies and old baseball clips with my parents to cheer me up. It helped for a little bit, until it didn’t. Everyone else went to bed and I stayed up writing this. Crying. Alone. I want nothing more to call him and just scream at him but I can’t cause he has done NOTHING wrong. He expressed his emotions to me. Thats it.

In the matter of 2 days I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I really lost him. And I’m devistated 

We haven’t talked in maybe 12 hours, which is a record for us. and I don’t think we will be talking anytime soon. So I’m sorry if you guys were looking for a happy love story but, this aint it.

I’ll talk to you all soon

Sarah x

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Where Have I Been?

Hello Lovlies!

I know I have been a bit absent on my blog lately, not posting for almost 2 months?! What?! AHHHH!!! Don’t worry they’re is an explanation! I have been moving! from Seattle to Boston! I think I’ve mentioned before that my whole family is from and still lives in boston. It’s my home.

So since my older brother is going to college in Rhode Island we decided it was good idea to move back and be closer to family! I honestly think this move will be really good for me. I’ve been here a little under 2 months and I’m doing so much better than I was a couple months ago. I obviously miss my friends like CRAZY, but we keep in touch and my bestie Samira has already come out to visit me!

When I moved k and I made a decision to break up. It just made sense. Long distance never works; especially at such a young age. He is still someone I care about deeply and am still in love with. But we decided it was best to break up. That has probably been the hardest part of this move. I still talk to him everyday, but I just feel us drifting apart despite our conversations everyday. It’s also been really difficult knowing that he could be with someone else.. I know I can be with someone else too, but I’m just not ready to jump into a relationship. Im working on me right now, and I don’t think I can that and be in a relationship.

Anyway another reason I haven’t been active on my blog lately is because I’ve decided to start my youtube channel again! I have posted one video like year and half ago and I absolutely loved filming it. I have filmed 3 videos for my channel, but haven’t gotten around to editing them yet.. oops.

Sorry for such a short and boring post! I PROMISE i will be back soon!!

Till next time!

Sarah xx

Saying Goodbye

Goodbye. Its always been something I’ve been bad at. even if its just for a week it feels like eternity to me. But in the next couple days, I’m really saying goodbye to so many people and things I love. A week from today I move across the country and begin a new life. hopefully one filled with love and happiness. not that my life doesn’t have those now, its just outweighed by the loneliness and misery.

In the next week i say goodbye to my best friends. I say goodbye to our brunch dates and photoshoots. I say goodbye to binge watching horror movies and south park. I say goodbye to my life. and its going to be one of the hardest things I’m gonna ever have to do. these people are MY people. i love them with all my heart and it breaks my heart to leave them.

I also say goodbye to my struggles. Im done struggling. sure there will be bumps along the road but I’m done letting my struggles control my life. I say goodbye to the part of my life filled with toxins.

I think the hardest part for me is knowing things will never go back to the way things were. never again are my people gonna only be a phone call away. never will i be able to call you and you be at my house within minutes. I don’t do well with change. it scares the shit out of me. change is scary for me. it means unknown and not knowing whats going to happen scares me shitless.

S- You have been the moat amazing best friend I could ask for. you are willing to drive 40 miles in the middle of the night to come see me if I’m having a bad night. You are so caring and just the most genuine person Ive ever met. You tell me what i need to hear even when i don’t wanna hear it and i am so grateful for that. you have been one of my biggest rocks these past few years and I’m so happy i met you 3 years ago. I love you from the bottom of my heart.<3

K- You went from my best friend to my first love. sure it took some time but i have fallen in love. and i know its crazy to fall in love at such a young age but it just happened. I couldn't control it. You are the most amazing and supportive Person I have ever met. you have never let me down and are always there with a shoulder to cry on. you have been the most amazing boyfriend and best friend i could ask for. I love you so so much and i will never forget you. TE AMO x100000

Sarah xxx

Signing Off

Hello,

Today is going to be an extremely difficult day. I have one day to pack up everything and say goodbye to my life as i know it. I leave for Rodgers hospital tomorrow morning. I will be in the program for 6-8 weeks and when the programs over I’m moving back to boston. I will never be able to have my friends right down the street again. I will never be able to call Seattle my home again. so for now I’m signing off. I hope to be back soon but i really don’t know.

Sarah xxxxx

A letter to you

Dear _____,

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for showing me how truely amazing I can actually be. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need certain people In my life for it to be a happy life. I just need good people. People who care. People who will actually show they love and appreciate me. Thank you for showing me that my life is finally mine. That I am in control. And nobody but me dictates the outcome. That I have control. And you don’t have the power anymore. That I decide how my life goes on. Not you anymore. 

Will I always love you. Yes. Will I always care for you. Yes. Would I do anything to have you in my life again? Yes and no.

One part of me loves you so much that I am willing to forgive everything you have ever done to me. Another part says I am stronger than that. That I can live without you 

One is anxiety. One is me. Guess which ones which. 

Now if you were to show up at my doorstep today. I honestly don’t know what I would do. Slam the door in your face, let you in, or break down crying. But I do know one thing. You will never have control of me again. You will never take my joy away again. You will NEVER take pleasure in destroying me ever again. It’s that simple. 
Sorry for such a weird post and for my lack of posts latley. Lots been on my mind! Stay strong everyone and I’m always here to chat! 

Sarah xxxx 

What should I post?

Hello lovelies!

I am currently in a bit of a rut. I have the motivation to post stuff, i just don’t know what to post. Heres a list of what I’m thinking of doing…

  1. my everyday makeup step by step.
  2. current popular music playlist
  3. my sister doing my makeup video
  4. get ready with me video -Prom? normal day?
  5. anxiety and depression helpful tips
  6. people who inspire me

I am in the process of filming a q and a. I might recruit my baby sister do it with me because I feel a bit awkward doing it.. comment below which ones you would like to see. or if you have some original ideas! I would love to hear them!! Cheers!

Sarah xxx

Hard Nights & Lovely Readers

Hello Lovely People,

How are you all? I hope you all are having a lovely day!

I have had a particularly hard night last night. I had extremely bad suicidal thoughts and compulsions. They came on really suddenly and fast. As some of you may know I was diagnosed with OCD about 2 years ago and its only progressed. But I am doing much better than I was before. This was just one hard night among many amazing nights.

I am currently sitting here listening to the greatest showman soundtrack and going through my old comments. I was thinking since I receive so many inspiring and beautiful comments, I would print them out and put them in a little book 🙂 Today I have received so many amazing comments from one person in particular. She has made my crappy day so much better! If you are reading this thank you for being so kind to a girl you don’t know and such an amazing human being with such a kind soul. I love you all and I don’t say this enough but I am so grateful for you all. Thank you for listening.

Sarah xx