You know that feeling. The one where you could be surrounded by people but still feel all alone in this world. Where you feel like you are loosing everything and everyone and you cant stop it no matter what. That’s what the past few days have been for me.
In the last 2 days i have found out that the guy that I love doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to see me. Yep, take it all in. Let me start from the beginning
A few days ago I was just in my room watching tv when i started talking to a friend. She was ruminating about her boyfriend so I started ruminating about k. I am still in love with k, deeply in love.
About a month ago I flew from Boston to Seattle for my brothers graduation, while I was there k and I had some issues on whether or not it was a good idea to stay friends. We got together to talk it through and one thing led to another and I kissed him. Big mistake
He didn’t kiss me back. he kinda pushed me away after a couple of seconds and i was so embarrassed. Now flash forward to a few days ago and we never had talked about it. So me being me I asked him this..
“Why didn’t you kiss me back?”
“I really don’t think this conversation is a good idea..”
I immediately started to ruminate again. What if theres some else? what if he cheated on me while were dating? what if he just doesn’t love me anymore?
So of course I pushed him to tell me. He told me repeatedly that he didn’t think this was a good conversation to have, but I had to know. So he finally told me. He didn’t love me anymore.
Ok well that sounds a lot crueler than how he said it. Let me rephrase that. He did not love me like that anymore. And by that I mean, he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He made it very clear he still loves me as a friend.
Now this came as a complete shock to me. He had been in love with me for years. He has told me he had been in love with me for years. And then I leave for a month and that suddenly goes away? I started to ask myself ridiculous questions;
Did he even really love me in the first place? Did I drive him away with all my issues?
Now I know all these questions seem silly and ridiculous but to me they left true. I really thought he didn’t care about me anymore…
I cried for hours that night. I finally was able to get myself to bed after maybe 3 hours of crying. I was devastated. He was my first real love. We shared so much and now its all in the past. Just a memory
The next day I texted him wanting to apologize. I wanted to apologize for pushing him to tell me something he didn’t want too. I did apologize and then we got into a discussion of whether or not he should still come out to visit me in Boston. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea. Which I totally get but still broke my heart. He didn’t want to see me. I was having this conversation in the waiting room of a doctors office over text with him. I finally just stopped responding.. I physically felt sick and disgusting. I started to cry. I texted my mom who was in an appointment that we needed to leave. When she came out to get me I broke. I started sobbing and balling. I couldn’t hold it inside anymore. thankfully we were at met psychiatrists office so I went in to see him. He sat with me and my parents as I cried And just kept telling me I was ok. I was safe. It had to be one of the worst anxiety attacks of my life. I felt so scared and alone. Like a gun was being held to my head but only I could see it.
After talking to him for a bit I went home. I spent the night watching movies and old baseball clips with my parents to cheer me up. It helped for a little bit, until it didn’t. Everyone else went to bed and I stayed up writing this. Crying. Alone. I want nothing more to call him and just scream at him but I can’t cause he has done NOTHING wrong. He expressed his emotions to me. Thats it.
In the matter of 2 days I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I really lost him. And I’m devistated
We haven’t talked in maybe 12 hours, which is a record for us. and I don’t think we will be talking anytime soon. So I’m sorry if you guys were looking for a happy love story but, this aint it.
I’ll talk to you all soon