Hard Nights & Lovely Readers

Hello Lovely People,

How are you all? I hope you all are having a lovely day!

I have had a particularly hard night last night. I had extremely bad suicidal thoughts and compulsions. They came on really suddenly and fast. As some of you may know I was diagnosed with OCD about 2 years ago and its only progressed. But I am doing much better than I was before. This was just one hard night among many amazing nights.

I am currently sitting here listening to the greatest showman soundtrack and going through my old comments. I was thinking since I receive so many inspiring and beautiful comments, I would print them out and put them in a little book 🙂 Today I have received so many amazing comments from one person in particular. She has made my crappy day so much better! If you are reading this thank you for being so kind to a girl you don’t know and such an amazing human being with such a kind soul. I love you all and I don’t say this enough but I am so grateful for you all. Thank you for listening.

Sarah xx


The good and bad days

A cool gentle breeze is on the horizon. Its a a clear and sunny day and the water is still. Maybe a few waves here and there. That’s what my mind is like on good days. I am at a point in my life where everyday I am not struggling. I do not want to end my life every waking moment. That doesn’t mean I am cured. I still do get moments where I want to throw myself of a bridge. I do get moments as I fall asleep that I wish I will never wake up. But I also get moments where I breathe in the salty ocean air, or laugh at a joke one of my mates has said. I get moments when I feel so much love I could burst.

…Right now isn’t one of those moments..

Right now its a raging ocean. Waves and crashing down over and over and its such big storm nobody knows what to do. They just pray it passes. But what if it doesn’t. What if the storm grows and grows until it’s unstoppable. Till destruction is the only answer. Thats how I feel. Like I have no there options. Destruction is the only answer.

But I know its not the answer. The answer is laughter. The answer is passion. The answer is LOVE. and I have so much love in my  life. Whether its my parents, friends, boyfriend, or people I’ve met here. I am loved. YOU ARE LOVED. So please think before you act and know you are not alone. I am here for you and I know you can do this. Below is a number for a suicide hotline you guys can call 24-7. If you’re in immediate danger please don’t hesitate to call the local authorities for help. I love you all so so much

Sarah xxxx

Suicide hotline- 1-800-273-8255

Oh What a Life


If you are new here. Welcome! If your an old friend, welcome back!! This week I thought I would get a bit deep with you all. As some of you might know I have been in and out of the hospital for the past couple months due to suicide attempts and super bad OCD thoughts. I just got out of SCH a week ago from drinking laundry detergent.

Now this isn’t for attention. This blog has always been a place where I share my emotions and my life with you all and this is my life.  This is also going to be a hugee rant that includes my religious beliefs. So read at your own risk..

I just sit here and question why me. Why me. Why did god make me this way. Why did god make me hate myself. Why can’t I just love. I just want to love myself yet I hate myself. If god loves me than why does he make me hate myself. Im sitting writing this blog post in the middle of my church teen group which I got to emotional to be in so I’m crying in the hallway. Why god. Why did you do this to me. Please just make me better. Let me love. Let me love myself. Let me live. Not just breathe, actully live!! Let me go on late night adventures. Let me go to college. Let me make stupid decisions that I’ll regret. Let me fall in love and have it break me. Let me fall in love and it completes me. Let me LIVE. I want to wake up one day and be happy. I want to wake up and say this is what I want. This is what all these struggles have been for and I’m ok with that. Because I’m finally happy. Because I’m finally living. Because I’m me.
Thanks for listening sorry for the rant😬

Love youuu!

Sarah xxx


“Draw a monster. Now why is it a monster?” Is it the scary teeth and claws, or the size of the monster. My monsters don’t look like normal monsters you see in movies. My monsters are the ghost of the past. What has happened and what could have happened

What if’s are on of my monsters . What if I did something different. What if i didn’t do this or that. What if. Thats the question I ask myself everyday. What if I had just kept my mouth shut. Would I still have these people in my life. Would I be happy? Or would I be dead?

My mind is my biggest monster. If its left alone it just sits and thinks and thinks. It doesn’t ever stop. Everywhere I look I see a missed opportunity. My illness tells me I did everything wrong. but what do I think..

Do you ever just meet those people your drawn too. There’s something about them that pulls you in. Those people are my monsters. The kind you can’t control yourself around. The kind that take over life in the best and worst ways possible. The people who have the most influence on you. Your mind just goes blank and everything they say is right in your mind. I had one of those. and it almost killed me.

Monsters.  They come and go. Some last forever. But you overcome the fear. I’ve learned that I can live and still have some monsters. Monsters are scary but what makes them monsters. What makes them so scary? If you can overcome fear itself you can accomplish anything. So I challenge you. Comment your monsters below and see if you can come up with a way to face your fears. I defiantly have just by letting go of my monster and accepting it..

Love you guys

Sarah xxx


Life Update  

Hello lovelies! 

Well what a week it’s been! Well actully a few weeks! In and out of the hostpital is not fun!! Yep you read that right. I was back at Childrens. Yipee. I went back Wednesday and got out Sunday morning. I just needed to be in a a safe place so I didn’t do anything to hurt myself. I’m now out and going to PHP (partial hospitalization program)  I’m actully writing this from the php lobby waiting for my mum to pick me up! Anyhooo! I just wanted to check in with you all and thank you so much for your support. It really does mean the world to me. You have no idea how much it helps me ❤❤ thank you again and hopefully things will be back to normal on here soon!! 


Sarah xxx


Hello everyone

(TRIGGER WARNING – This post will deal with topics such as suicide and depression)

It has been quite a week for me. I have been absent from my blog because I have been in the hospital actually. More specifically a mental hospital. Yes you read that right. I’ll get into that later but today I wanted to talk about some reasons to live.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression all my life. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have these feelings. These past few days have been really difficult and I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life and the people in it. Soo.. here is a list a reasons I need and want to live..

  1. I want to start a family- This is my number one goal in life. I want to start a family an watch them grow up. I want to able to become the cheesy stereotypical soccer PTA mom. I want to see my kids graduate and move on to bigger and better things. I want to grow old with someone I love.
  2. I want to see my siblings grow up- I have two younger siblings and an older brother. I want to be able to see my big brother graduate college, then get married and start a family of his own. I want to see my little sister succeed in life. I want my baby brother to defy the odds and do whatever he wants in life. I want them all to thrive in the world
  3. I want to help people- My goal in life is to help people. That’s all I want to do with my life. Hopefully after college I will be able to go into the peace corps. I just want to make a difference in this world that makes it a more positive place.
  4. I want to be able to love- I want to be able to hug my mom and dad. I want to be able to hang out with my best friends. Heck I even want to be able to get into fights with my siblings! I just want to be able to spread love everywhere I go.
  5. I want to love myself- I want to love and appreciate myself. I want to grow up and look and the mirror and be proud of what I’m looking at. I want to love my body and accept all its flaws.I want to not give up when things get hard. I want to love myself.

Over this past week I attempted to kill myself. It was so scary but before I could do it I came to my senses and called 911. I was then taken to Seattle Childrens and admitted onto the PBM unit. I spent 3 and half days there and was finally discharged today. I am extremely grateful for all the support I had. I have realized in that time that I need to take charge of my life. I need to get some people out of my life. I need to stay close to more people. Just being in a mental hospital gives you so much perspective. There’s kids there just like you and they manage to stay so positive and supportive throughout what they’re going through. I just wanted to share this all with you because this blog is a way I express my emotions and life. This is my life at the moment. So please. Hug your loved ones, take charge of your life, and LIVE IT!!!!


Sarah xxx


WARNING – This post deals with topics such as suicide, anxiety and depression

She cries and cries cause the pain is too much

He cries cause he doesn’t know what the pain is


She has all the support in the world

He has nobody but the voices in his head.


It’s life or death for both

Who lives and who dies

Who stays who thrives


Her pain in spreading fast.

Poison intoxicates her body

She fights and fights

Weakness soon controls her

It controls her

She’s no longer just a person

She’s a person who has it


His pain is all in his thoughts

Poison fills his mind

He fights yet doesn’t know why

Vulnerability was his biggest weakness

He was never just a person

He was a person with it


Cries fill her ears

Laughter fills his


Slowly she gains her strength back

She lives

She wins


Slowly he looses

He gives up on trying

Gives up on life


Green eyes

Blue eyes

Meet at last

It was just a glance


The last glance for one

Im sorry for such a dark post. I just had too. A couple days ago marked the one year mark of my suicide attempt. I was so lost. I was the guy. this poem is supposed to represent that depression is a serious issue. People die from it every day. Its an illness. its affects lives. including my own. I was lost and thought I was alone and had nobody. You are not alone. you have people who love and care for you. I am one of those people. please seek help if you suffer from any mental illness. and if you ever need to talk please email me. ❤

stay strong my lovelies

Sarah xxxx