Bad Thoughts and OCD

(TIGGER WARNING) – this post will discuss things such as suicide and OCD tendencies.

Hey guys!

I’m so sorry for my absence lately on this blog. I’ve been having a really hard time with my health lately. Thats what I’m actually going to talk about. My OCD has gotten out of control. It has taken over my life. I started getting really bad compulsions starting Thursday ( its now Monday ) I feel like I can’t think of anything else.

My OCD compulsions are when my brain tells me that I have to do one thing and if you don’t something else is going to happen. Mine are usually really innocent like, don’t step on sidewalk cracks or you’ll get a stomach ache. Just completely random things . But lately they’ve been darker..

My 2main ones were that I had to scratch my arm or else someone else would get hurt. After 2 days of constantly scratching my arm was raw and so sensitive. I had to wrap my entire arms in ace bandages to stop myself. The other one was if I didn’t die someone I loved would. Last night I tried to kill myself. I tried to cut my wrists but stopped myself and called out to my mom for help. We went to the hospital and were there for a few hours until I fell asleep. I woke up and they said if I felt safe I could go home. So I did. I am unharmed. I didn’t want to kill myself. I don’t want to die. the thoughts just got too overwhelming,  I still have my bad thoughts but they aren’t as constant, thank goodness.

Anyway my life kind of a mess since I retuned from Boston. I think I was just trying really hard to keep it together in Boston that I just kinda broke when I got back to Seattle. My family is really overwhelming and I didn’t freak out which really surprised me, but I think this is me freaking out.

Thank you for your unwavering support on my blog.

Sarah xxx

 

 

Facing fears

Helloo lovlies💗

Today I faceed on it my biggest fears. I went to the beach. I absolutely hate wearing swim suits but I LOVE the water! I went with my family to a beach in Boston for 3 hours and it was so much fun ☺️ We had competitions on who could catch and ride the better wave or who could stay under water the longest.

When I first got there I was really nervous to take of my dress and be so exposed. But after a few minutes of just sitting around I was extremely hot and had to take of my coverup.

Im actually quite proud of myself for not giving a shit what others thought. There were a few moments when I would see someone really fit and be really self conscious. But I just pushed those away :))

Thank you for your advice on my last post. I’m hopefully going to be posting 2 new posts this weekend so keep your eyes peeled for them!

thanks for listening

Sarah xxx

Rekindling Old Friendships

Hello Everyone!

Today something quite strange happened to me. I was just hanging out at home and I got a notification that my old friends had asked to follow me on Instagram. A little background on them…

I met these 2 people 5 years ago when I moved here. After a year we all became really good friends. It is a boy and a girl. I dated the boy off and on for a year and was best friends with the girl. After me and the guy decided to call it quits him and my best friend started dating. They were the schools power couple and I just kinda got left in the dust. when they first started dating is when they boy got worse. He would make comments about my weight and appearance and I know it was all jokes but it really hurt. It was the main reason for why my eating disorder got out of control. I decided to cut them out of my life. And that worked. until it didn’t. Then suddenly all my friends just decided they didn’t like me and they liked them more. So I was left with no friends. We haven’t talked in maybe a year and half.

Now these people have been such a big part of my life. They were my best friends and I will always care for them. I’m actually talking to the guy right now on snapchat. For the past 2 year the guy has begged for my forgiveness he feels so bad for what he did and I know he didn’t mean it . He’s a sweet kid. The girl said she’s sorry sand wants to make amends. My question is how do I know this wont happen again. I don’t. So its a big risk for me. and my mom is going to KILL me. she hates them both for what they have done. she would never let me see them. EVER. UUUGH!! I’ts just so frustrating. Any advice?

Thanks for listening ❤

Sarah xxx

Body Conscious

Hey guys!

How are you all? I hope you’re having a lovely summer! At the moment I am on vacation in Boston. If you are a long time reader you would know that I am originally from Boston and my whole family lives here. I am currently staying at my grandmothers house where most of my family and friends hang out at while we’re here. They have a pool and we’re always having parties and friend over to swim and have bbq’s. I get so self conscious around everyone. I struggle a lot with body positivity and eating right. I suffer from an eating disorder so its a real struggle for me. All my friends are a lot skinnier and small than me. I’m quite a curvy girl and I’ve always hated my curves! I was just always told they weren’t pretty. By the media, by people I know, by myself. I recently had a group of friends come over for a little get together at the pool and I felt so uncomfortable! There was also this guy I like that was there and I was so anxious and jittery around him.

Today I went to an amusement park that had a bunch of waterslide rides. I was actually contemplating just going in my clothes I was scared of getting judged by these strangers. Ahhh I don’t know why I’m like this. Arghh. Anyway other than that Boston is going very well!! We’ve been looking gat houses while we’re here and we saw the perfect house!!! It is on a lake and its so amazing and I love it so much 🙂

Sorry for the short update. Working on something for you all 😉

I hope you all have a lovely day ❤

Sarah xxx

Life Updates and Cotton Candy Grapes (Reuploaded)

Explaining whats going on in my life in early June

Hi lovelies!

It feels like its been forever since I did a blog post! Anyhoo, a lot has happened in the last month or so that I must update you all on! But first I have to tell you guys about these amazing grapes. They are literally called cotton candy grapes and taste just like cotton candy. They’re normal grapes but taste exactly like cotton candy. *mindblow* sorry for the random side track but I had to share that with you guys

Umm where to start?! OK well I went to Prom!! I didn’t think I would be able to go, with my seizures and all but my parents made a deal with the school that allowed me to attend my prom. I was so happy and am extremely grateful I got to go. Heres a few pictures..

(Sorry all the rest are with other people and I don’t have there permission to post them)😝


Some other things that have happened.

  • I am back in school full-time ❤ which I am extremely happy about
  • I am almost 3 weeks free of seizures :))) Again, extremely extremely happy about
  • K sold his house and is going to be leaving in July
  • I found out that I might be moving?!

Let me go more into detail about that. So if you are a long time reader you will know that I used to live in the beautiful city known as Boston. I moved to Seattle at the beginning of 4th grade. Boston is my home and probably always will be. Most of my childhood was there and that’s where all my family is. These past couple months I have been really down in the dumps and not really myself. thinking of going to visit Boston always lifts my spirits  My mom has been joking about moving back to Boston for a good 6 months now. Then maybe 2 weekends ago she straight up asked me. “Sarah what would you think if we moved back to Boston?” At first I was shocked. But after a few seconds I just said “Hell yeah”. I love it in Seattle, I really do, but its not home. We won’t be moving until my brother finishes his senior year, he’s only a junior, but in a year I will be back to my home. I don’t have many friends here anyways and the friends I do have are graduating, moving, or are just not really great friends. So I have been overjoyed with the news of the move. Honestly if we packed up and moved in the next week, I would be ok with it..

I feel like thats enough to dump on you all. That’s my life at the moment.

All the best

Sarah xxx

 

House Arrest (Reuploaded)

At this point in my life I was having a seizure everyday 😦

Hi loves!

These past few weeks have been pretty eventful for me. But first and foremost, I hope you all had a lovely easter and enjoyed, or are enjoying your spring break! I know my spring break was greatly appreciated! Anyway.. I have basically been on 24 hour surveillance by my parents lately. They don’t let me out of their sight incase I have a seizure. The only time I ever got away was school and that ended in a disaster. Let me explain..

I went to school last Monday and had a seizure in the main common room. It was so embarrassing. I then had another one Wednesday and they had to call 911 so there were 4 paramedics, the owner of the school, all my teachers, friends, and classmates witnessed it all. I was mortified!!!

They then called my parents and said I can’t return because I am am a liability. Until I have a doctors note saying I can return I don’t leave the house. So for the past week I’ve been cooped up in my bedroom, extremely depressed and sad. My friends promised they would come see me yet I’ve had no one come. I know It’s silly of me but it just makes me worry that they’re going to forget all about me and move on. They all have been posting pictures together and going out, and then theres me that sits in my room watching tv in my bed and hoping my parents will let me walk to the mailbox by myself.

I understand its all for my safety, but it’s so frustrating! arrguhh!! I go see a doctor tomorrow so fingers crossed they let me go back to school and live my life again. Now it’s another sleepless night. yay!

Night lovelies!

Sarah xxx

sorry for the mopey post, just my life right now 😦

New Diagnoses and Vegas (Reuploaded)

Pretty explanatory 🙂

Hey Loves!

I feel like I haven’t blogged in months, but in reality it’s been like 2 weeks! In these past weeks 2 very big things have happened for me.. But first off I wanted to start on a lighter subject! Over the weekend my mum and I went prom dress shopping. It was so amazing and I actually bought a dress! The dress I bought below ↓

I absolutely love this dress.

Ok now it’s time to get serious. On Tuesday afternoon I got diagnosed with OCD. To my parents and family this was heartbreaking, to me it was a relief. I finally got a reason for why I feel the way I do. I finally found out that I’m not crazy, I just have this illness. What I was even more thrilled about was the fact that with medication and therapy, it would fade away. I felt so overjoyed!! I had an explanation for why I am the way I am. It felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

The second thing that happened this week is that my best friend that has been in inpatient in vegas for 5 months was released!! I got a text Tuesday night from her sister that she was coming home. The program she was in wouldn’t allow any contact with the outside world. She got to talk to her mom a few times a week but that was it. I would get texts to update my from her mum and sister, which I am so grateful for!

Her plane got in last night and I am supposed to go meet her in a few hours!! I am so excited to see her after 95 days of no contact!! I have made her a giant poster saying welcome home and had all her friends sign it and write messages. I am also going to pick her up some flowers and a card. I’m so incredibly proud of her and how much she’s overcome!!

Thats all I have for today, hopefully I will post more frequently haha! Have a lovely day guys!

Sarah xxx