Where Have I Been?

Hello Lovlies!

I know I have been a bit absent on my blog lately, not posting for almost 2 months?! What?! AHHHH!!! Don’t worry they’re is an explanation! I have been moving! from Seattle to Boston! I think I’ve mentioned before that my whole family is from and still lives in boston. It’s my home.

So since my older brother is going to college in Rhode Island we decided it was good idea to move back and be closer to family! I honestly think this move will be really good for me. I’ve been here a little under 2 months and I’m doing so much better than I was a couple months ago. I obviously miss my friends like CRAZY, but we keep in touch and my bestie Samira has already come out to visit me!

When I moved k and I made a decision to break up. It just made sense. Long distance never works; especially at such a young age. He is still someone I care about deeply and am still in love with. But we decided it was best to break up. That has probably been the hardest part of this move. I still talk to him everyday, but I just feel us drifting apart despite our conversations everyday. It’s also been really difficult knowing that he could be with someone else.. I know I can be with someone else too, but I’m just not ready to jump into a relationship. Im working on me right now, and I don’t think I can that and be in a relationship.

Anyway another reason I haven’t been active on my blog lately is because I’ve decided to start my youtube channel again! I have posted one video like year and half ago and I absolutely loved filming it. I have filmed 3 videos for my channel, but haven’t gotten around to editing them yet.. oops.

Sorry for such a short and boring post! I PROMISE i will be back soon!!

Till next time!

Sarah xx

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Saying Goodbye

Goodbye. Its always been something I’ve been bad at. even if its just for a week it feels like eternity to me. But in the next couple days, I’m really saying goodbye to so many people and things I love. A week from today I move across the country and begin a new life. hopefully one filled with love and happiness. not that my life doesn’t have those now, its just outweighed by the loneliness and misery.

In the next week i say goodbye to my best friends. I say goodbye to our brunch dates and photoshoots. I say goodbye to binge watching horror movies and south park. I say goodbye to my life. and its going to be one of the hardest things I’m gonna ever have to do. these people are MY people. i love them with all my heart and it breaks my heart to leave them.

I also say goodbye to my struggles. Im done struggling. sure there will be bumps along the road but I’m done letting my struggles control my life. I say goodbye to the part of my life filled with toxins.

I think the hardest part for me is knowing things will never go back to the way things were. never again are my people gonna only be a phone call away. never will i be able to call you and you be at my house within minutes. I don’t do well with change. it scares the shit out of me. change is scary for me. it means unknown and not knowing whats going to happen scares me shitless.

S- You have been the moat amazing best friend I could ask for. you are willing to drive 40 miles in the middle of the night to come see me if I’m having a bad night. You are so caring and just the most genuine person Ive ever met. You tell me what i need to hear even when i don’t wanna hear it and i am so grateful for that. you have been one of my biggest rocks these past few years and I’m so happy i met you 3 years ago. I love you from the bottom of my heart.<3

K- You went from my best friend to my first love. sure it took some time but i have fallen in love. and i know its crazy to fall in love at such a young age but it just happened. I couldn't control it. You are the most amazing and supportive Person I have ever met. you have never let me down and are always there with a shoulder to cry on. you have been the most amazing boyfriend and best friend i could ask for. I love you so so much and i will never forget you. TE AMO x100000

Sarah xxx

A letter to you

Dear _____,

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for showing me how truely amazing I can actually be. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need certain people In my life for it to be a happy life. I just need good people. People who care. People who will actually show they love and appreciate me. Thank you for showing me that my life is finally mine. That I am in control. And nobody but me dictates the outcome. That I have control. And you don’t have the power anymore. That I decide how my life goes on. Not you anymore. 

Will I always love you. Yes. Will I always care for you. Yes. Would I do anything to have you in my life again? Yes and no.

One part of me loves you so much that I am willing to forgive everything you have ever done to me. Another part says I am stronger than that. That I can live without you 

One is anxiety. One is me. Guess which ones which. 

Now if you were to show up at my doorstep today. I honestly don’t know what I would do. Slam the door in your face, let you in, or break down crying. But I do know one thing. You will never have control of me again. You will never take my joy away again. You will NEVER take pleasure in destroying me ever again. It’s that simple. 
Sorry for such a weird post and for my lack of posts latley. Lots been on my mind! Stay strong everyone and I’m always here to chat! 

Sarah xxxx 

What should I post?

Hello lovelies!

I am currently in a bit of a rut. I have the motivation to post stuff, i just don’t know what to post. Heres a list of what I’m thinking of doing…

  1. my everyday makeup step by step.
  2. current popular music playlist
  3. my sister doing my makeup video
  4. get ready with me video -Prom? normal day?
  5. anxiety and depression helpful tips
  6. people who inspire me

I am in the process of filming a q and a. I might recruit my baby sister do it with me because I feel a bit awkward doing it.. comment below which ones you would like to see. or if you have some original ideas! I would love to hear them!! Cheers!

Sarah xxx

Hard Nights & Lovely Readers

Hello Lovely People,

How are you all? I hope you all are having a lovely day!

I have had a particularly hard night last night. I had extremely bad suicidal thoughts and compulsions. They came on really suddenly and fast. As some of you may know I was diagnosed with OCD about 2 years ago and its only progressed. But I am doing much better than I was before. This was just one hard night among many amazing nights.

I am currently sitting here listening to the greatest showman soundtrack and going through my old comments. I was thinking since I receive so many inspiring and beautiful comments, I would print them out and put them in a little book ūüôā Today I have received so many amazing comments from one person in particular. She has made my crappy day so much better! If you are reading this thank you for being so kind to a girl you don’t know and such an amazing human being with such a kind soul. I love you all and I don’t say this enough but I am so grateful for you all. Thank you for listening.

Sarah xx

Current Favorites

Hello Everyone!

The past couple posts have been kind of downers Tbh. So I thought why not cheer myself and ¬†maybe some of you up with a favorites! I’ve only done one of these in the past. But I really enjoyed making it so I thought I would make it a regular thing? idk I’m just kinda going with the flow.

My first favorite is a makeup item. Now my friends and family both know I’m makeup obsessed, particularly highlighters. I love the way it completes a makeup look and makes my face just more glowy and fresh looking. I have been loving 2 highlighters lately. First is a palette.

Profusion¬†Highlighter Palette –¬†Target¬†

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Ok my first impression of this palette was really really good. I got one for my friend, Sam, and one for me cause they just looked amazing. I opened it up and immediately was hit by the most amazing smell. It literally smells like fresh cotton candy. Its so amazing.

There is a variety of different shades to create different looks. I use the middle shade the most (heartfelt) and mix it with the one above it (cotton candy). It creates a beautiful rose gold that gives you a Gorgeous bronze look.

Becca Highlighter in the shade Moonstone-Sephora

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I got this as a gift for Christmas and I’m in love! I’ve never really been a fan of the Becca products. I had used my friends highlighter in the shade pearl and the brush I used didn’t pick up any product so it didnt show at all. I thought it was just the product it’s self that wasn’t pigmented. Oh was I wrong!

This is pigmented and perfect for a nice subtle glow.

Kat Von D¬†tattoo liner –¬†Sephora¬†

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This liner and life saving! It doesn’t bleed and stays on all day and won’t smudge! Where you place it, is where it stays.

The brush is not a felt tip, it’s a bunch of tiny brissles, I actully prefer that to the felt tip ones.

Lush Cosmetics body wash РBubbly РLush Cosmetics Lush-Bubbly-Shower-Gel.jpg

Can I just say.. THIS PRODUCT SMELLS SOO GOOD!! I got this body wash last christmas and it has been my favorite ever since. It smells like oranges. Ik what your thinking, gross. When I heard it was orange I thought it would smell like cough syrup, it doesn’t! Its not a overwhelming smell and is just the right amount of sweetness.

Jelly Beans- Jelly Belly – Hagen

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Every now and then, do you just get a craving? well my craving lately has been jellybeans. Specifically, berry blue. THEY ARE SO GOOD! I went to a candy store and bought a whole bag of them and have been munching on them whenever I’m in my room. Ahh so bad I know!

Heirloom Apple 3 wick candle – Bath and Body WorksUnknown.jpeg

I purchased this candle over the summer and smells so amazing. It smells like a huge apple orchard. We have a apple tree in my backyard and it smells just like when you cut open one of those apples.

Well thats all I have for you all today. Thanks for reading!! Love you guys!

Sarah xxxx

 

 

 

My Eating Disorder

Hello Everyone.

Today we are gonna do something a bit on the more serious side. I am going to tell you a all a story. The story of a girl who hated herself. But is now growing to love herself. I hope this will bring some of you some hope to know it does get better and you are not alone.

So it all started when I was about 4 years old. That’s the earliest I can remember. I would look at myself and hate what I would see. As a kid I was extremely outgoing and confident. Until about 4th grade. Thats when I finally started to notice I didn’t look like the other girls. It was just after a huge move across the country and I had no friends and was starting a new school. I was brought up in a town west of Boston, where everyone cared what they looked like. When I moved to a tiny town just north of Seattle, It was the complete opposite. Nobody cared what they wore or how they looked and were happy in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I always loved dressing up. I felt like I could be a more confident version of myself. When I started this new school I was the odd girl out. I was the one who always wore a dress but only hung out with the guys. I didn’t have any girlfriends. Guys were just so much more inviting and less drama. So most of the girls made fun of me. Thats when my eating disorder kickstarted.

Flash forward about 2 years and I was a completely different person. I wore nothing but basketball shorts and hoodies and never brushed my hair. I had changed my entire appearance to fit in and make some friends. This was now 6th grade and I had friends. Yay me! They were actually quite good friends who I am still friends with today but we sort of fell out of touch in middle school. Anyway, Jump into middle school. I was so self conscious ¬†and could barley go to school cause of my anxiety. I had an on and off “boyfriend” (I don’t really consider him a boyfriend it was 7th grade and nothing happened) at the time. Then this boyfriend got together with my best friend. I was happy for them! I knew she liked him and he was a good guy so I had nothing to be upset about. I really didn’t even want to date anyone at the time, I thought I was too young. This is the time when I was most vulnerable . I hated how I looked and I stopped going to school because of how bad my anxiety was. And he knew that. So he used it. He would say nobody would love me and I looked bad in dresses and other things that I don’t even want to say.

My self confidence was destroyed. This was one of my best friends. Oh I just remembered theres something you should know. I crave peoples acceptance. If someone says something bad about me it hits me so hard and ruins me. I cant stand when someone doesn’t like me. I don’t know what to do I just breakdown .Continuing with my story.. My self confidence was nonexistent. I cared so much what this guy said I was willing to do anything to make him like me. So I stopped eating. And when I did eat I made myself throw it all up. I lost so much weight. I was so weak I couldn’t walk upstairs without being out of breathe. I started getting chest pains and my periods stopped. While all this was happening I didn’t tell a soul. Not my mother, not my best friend. Nobody. I was slowly loosing the will to live. I didn’t care if I was killing myself, I just wanted to be skinny and beautiful. One day I finally told my brother. I just broke down and I had to tell someone. So I told him, and he told my mom. I didn’t know my mom knew for months. But she would always make sure I wasn’t alone after eating and I was eating.

A few months had passed and I finally got the courage to tell her. I told her and she booked an appointment for an eating disorder clinic and called my psychiatrist. A few moths later I was placed in an intensive outpatient clinic with 7 other girls. I got my weight back up and was living a healthy life. For about a year I was confident in my body and didn’t even think of what I ate. It was so amazing.

These past few months have been a challenge. I have gained lots of weight from the medication I’m on. These meds make me extremely hungry and makes my brain tell me I’m hungry when Im actually full. I have struggled a lot with my body image issues lately. I just look at myself and hate what I see. I see a big belly, thick thighs, big boobs, wide hips, and I hate it. I just want to be that skinny girl again sometimes.

But then I remember how unhappy I was then. How unloved I felt. How I couldn’t walk up stairs or go outside cause I would get too dizzy. How I hated myself even more. Then I remember how loved I am right now. I have an amazing family who loves and supports me. A fantastic boyfriend who never fails to put a smile on my face, and beautiful friends who support whatever I do. I am so grateful to be alive and healthy. Do I wish I was a few pounds lighter? Of course. And maybe I’ll drop that weight. But I will do it in a healthy way. I love you all and thank you for letting me share my story.

Sarah xxxx