My Eating Disorder

Hello Everyone.

Today we are gonna do something a bit on the more serious side. I am going to tell you a all a story. The story of a girl who hated herself. But is now growing to love herself. I hope this will bring some of you some hope to know it does get better and you are not alone.

So it all started when I was about 4 years old. That’s the earliest I can remember. I would look at myself and hate what I would see. As a kid I was extremely outgoing and confident. Until about 4th grade. Thats when I finally started to notice I didn’t look like the other girls. It was just after a huge move across the country and I had no friends and was starting a new school. I was brought up in a town west of Boston, where everyone cared what they looked like. When I moved to a tiny town just north of Seattle, It was the complete opposite. Nobody cared what they wore or how they looked and were happy in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I always loved dressing up. I felt like I could be a more confident version of myself. When I started this new school I was the odd girl out. I was the one who always wore a dress but only hung out with the guys. I didn’t have any girlfriends. Guys were just so much more inviting and less drama. So most of the girls made fun of me. Thats when my eating disorder kickstarted.

Flash forward about 2 years and I was a completely different person. I wore nothing but basketball shorts and hoodies and never brushed my hair. I had changed my entire appearance to fit in and make some friends. This was now 6th grade and I had friends. Yay me! They were actually quite good friends who I am still friends with today but we sort of fell out of touch in middle school. Anyway, Jump into middle school. I was so self conscious  and could barley go to school cause of my anxiety. I had an on and off “boyfriend” (I don’t really consider him a boyfriend it was 7th grade and nothing happened) at the time. Then this boyfriend got together with my best friend. I was happy for them! I knew she liked him and he was a good guy so I had nothing to be upset about. I really didn’t even want to date anyone at the time, I thought I was too young. This is the time when I was most vulnerable . I hated how I looked and I stopped going to school because of how bad my anxiety was. And he knew that. So he used it. He would say nobody would love me and I looked bad in dresses and other things that I don’t even want to say.

My self confidence was destroyed. This was one of my best friends. Oh I just remembered theres something you should know. I crave peoples acceptance. If someone says something bad about me it hits me so hard and ruins me. I cant stand when someone doesn’t like me. I don’t know what to do I just breakdown .Continuing with my story.. My self confidence was nonexistent. I cared so much what this guy said I was willing to do anything to make him like me. So I stopped eating. And when I did eat I made myself throw it all up. I lost so much weight. I was so weak I couldn’t walk upstairs without being out of breathe. I started getting chest pains and my periods stopped. While all this was happening I didn’t tell a soul. Not my mother, not my best friend. Nobody. I was slowly loosing the will to live. I didn’t care if I was killing myself, I just wanted to be skinny and beautiful. One day I finally told my brother. I just broke down and I had to tell someone. So I told him, and he told my mom. I didn’t know my mom knew for months. But she would always make sure I wasn’t alone after eating and I was eating.

A few months had passed and I finally got the courage to tell her. I told her and she booked an appointment for an eating disorder clinic and called my psychiatrist. A few moths later I was placed in an intensive outpatient clinic with 7 other girls. I got my weight back up and was living a healthy life. For about a year I was confident in my body and didn’t even think of what I ate. It was so amazing.

These past few months have been a challenge. I have gained lots of weight from the medication I’m on. These meds make me extremely hungry and makes my brain tell me I’m hungry when Im actually full. I have struggled a lot with my body image issues lately. I just look at myself and hate what I see. I see a big belly, thick thighs, big boobs, wide hips, and I hate it. I just want to be that skinny girl again sometimes.

But then I remember how unhappy I was then. How unloved I felt. How I couldn’t walk up stairs or go outside cause I would get too dizzy. How I hated myself even more. Then I remember how loved I am right now. I have an amazing family who loves and supports me. A fantastic boyfriend who never fails to put a smile on my face, and beautiful friends who support whatever I do. I am so grateful to be alive and healthy. Do I wish I was a few pounds lighter? Of course. And maybe I’ll drop that weight. But I will do it in a healthy way. I love you all and thank you for letting me share my story.

Sarah xxxx

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The good and bad days

A cool gentle breeze is on the horizon. Its a a clear and sunny day and the water is still. Maybe a few waves here and there. That’s what my mind is like on good days. I am at a point in my life where everyday I am not struggling. I do not want to end my life every waking moment. That doesn’t mean I am cured. I still do get moments where I want to throw myself of a bridge. I do get moments as I fall asleep that I wish I will never wake up. But I also get moments where I breathe in the salty ocean air, or laugh at a joke one of my mates has said. I get moments when I feel so much love I could burst.

…Right now isn’t one of those moments..

Right now its a raging ocean. Waves and crashing down over and over and its such big storm nobody knows what to do. They just pray it passes. But what if it doesn’t. What if the storm grows and grows until it’s unstoppable. Till destruction is the only answer. Thats how I feel. Like I have no there options. Destruction is the only answer.

But I know its not the answer. The answer is laughter. The answer is passion. The answer is LOVE. and I have so much love in my  life. Whether its my parents, friends, boyfriend, or people I’ve met here. I am loved. YOU ARE LOVED. So please think before you act and know you are not alone. I am here for you and I know you can do this. Below is a number for a suicide hotline you guys can call 24-7. If you’re in immediate danger please don’t hesitate to call the local authorities for help. I love you all so so much

Sarah xxxx

Suicide hotline- 1-800-273-8255

Oh What a Life

Hello

If you are new here. Welcome! If your an old friend, welcome back!! This week I thought I would get a bit deep with you all. As some of you might know I have been in and out of the hospital for the past couple months due to suicide attempts and super bad OCD thoughts. I just got out of SCH a week ago from drinking laundry detergent.

Now this isn’t for attention. This blog has always been a place where I share my emotions and my life with you all and this is my life.  This is also going to be a hugee rant that includes my religious beliefs. So read at your own risk..

I just sit here and question why me. Why me. Why did god make me this way. Why did god make me hate myself. Why can’t I just love. I just want to love myself yet I hate myself. If god loves me than why does he make me hate myself. Im sitting writing this blog post in the middle of my church teen group which I got to emotional to be in so I’m crying in the hallway. Why god. Why did you do this to me. Please just make me better. Let me love. Let me love myself. Let me live. Not just breathe, actully live!! Let me go on late night adventures. Let me go to college. Let me make stupid decisions that I’ll regret. Let me fall in love and have it break me. Let me fall in love and it completes me. Let me LIVE. I want to wake up one day and be happy. I want to wake up and say this is what I want. This is what all these struggles have been for and I’m ok with that. Because I’m finally happy. Because I’m finally living. Because I’m me.
Thanks for listening sorry for the rant😬

Love youuu!

Sarah xxx

My Christmas Playlist

Hello Lovelies!
Today I thought we’d mix things up a bit and make a different type of post. Maybe even a series if you all enjoy it!? But I thought I would start making a playlist post! I listen to a lot of music and at the moment lost of different types of music.

I am one of those people who gets all my music from other people or from whats popular right now and I would absolutely love to hear from you guys what your ultimate playlist would be!

Today In Seattle its SNOWING!! AHHHH!! That never happens here!  So I thought I would make my ultimate christmas playlist for you all! So enjoy!!

My Ultimate Christmas Playlist

  1. All I Want for Christmas Is You- Mariah Carey
  2. Last Christmas- Wham!
  3. Blue Christmas- Elvis Presley
  4. Baby it’s Cold Outside- Michael Buble and Idina Menzel
  5. Santa Tell Me- Ariana Grande
  6. Jingle Bell Rock- Hall and Oats
  7. Rockin’ Around the Christmas tree- Brenda Lee
  8. You Make it Feel Like Christmas – blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani
  9. Its Beginning to Look Alot Like Christmas- Michael Buble
  10. Merry Christmas- NSYNC
  11. Mistletoe- Justin Beiber
  12. Christmas Lights- Coldplay
  13. Let it Snow/Winter Wonderland- The Piano Guys
  14. Love me like you (christmas edition) – Little Mix
  15. Jingle Bells- Michael Buble
  16. Santa baby- Michael Buble
  17. Have Your Self a Merry Little Christmas- Sabrina Carpenter

Well there you have it! Please give me suggestions on what Playlist I should do next in the comments below!

Cheers!!

Sarah xx

Last minute plane rides and babies

Hello lovely people!

I am coming to you from 30,000 feet in the air. Thats right, your girls on a plane. and she’s headed for Boston!! My mum and I decided last minute to take a weekend t6rip to our lovely home state of Massachusetts. We are going to look at a few houses around the city, seeing as were trying to move there. I am currently sat next to the most adorable baby.

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He is so precious and I have cuddled him half this flight. He’s only 10 months old and is a pro at flying! His names Elise ( ALL MY GREYS ANATOMY FANS SAY HALA) and he currently has on the cutest striped onsie I’ve ever seen.

As soon was we land we go straight to the hotel, where we are meeting my moms best friend from college and her daughter, who is like my sister. From there we will go to dinner, probably the moms will go out for a few drinks and then they’re spending the night at the hotel with us! SLUMBER PARTYY!! I’m so pumped.

Well thats all I have for now signing off 🙂

Sarah xxx

Youtube?!

Hello lovlies!

OMG two posts in one day?! What is happening?! Don’t worry I’m not going crazy! I just wanted to let you all know…

I HAVE UPLOADED A YOUTUBE VIDEO!!!

Yes you read that right!! Its the 50 facts about me challenge (even though theres not 50 facts 😉 I hope you will all give me a chance and check it out and give me some feedback on it! Thanks guys. Talk to you soon!

Sarah xx