(TRIGGER WARNING – This post will deal with topics such as suicide and depression)
It has been quite a week for me. I have been absent from my blog because I have been in the hospital actually. More specifically a mental hospital. Yes you read that right. I’ll get into that later but today I wanted to talk about some reasons to live.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression all my life. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have these feelings. These past few days have been really difficult and I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life and the people in it. Soo.. here is a list a reasons I need and want to live..
- I want to start a family- This is my number one goal in life. I want to start a family an watch them grow up. I want to able to become the cheesy stereotypical soccer PTA mom. I want to see my kids graduate and move on to bigger and better things. I want to grow old with someone I love.
- I want to see my siblings grow up- I have two younger siblings and an older brother. I want to be able to see my big brother graduate college, then get married and start a family of his own. I want to see my little sister succeed in life. I want my baby brother to defy the odds and do whatever he wants in life. I want them all to thrive in the world
- I want to help people- My goal in life is to help people. That’s all I want to do with my life. Hopefully after college I will be able to go into the peace corps. I just want to make a difference in this world that makes it a more positive place.
- I want to be able to love- I want to be able to hug my mom and dad. I want to be able to hang out with my best friends. Heck I even want to be able to get into fights with my siblings! I just want to be able to spread love everywhere I go.
- I want to love myself- I want to love and appreciate myself. I want to grow up and look and the mirror and be proud of what I’m looking at. I want to love my body and accept all its flaws.I want to not give up when things get hard. I want to love myself.
Over this past week I attempted to kill myself. It was so scary but before I could do it I came to my senses and called 911. I was then taken to Seattle Childrens and admitted onto the PBM unit. I spent 3 and half days there and was finally discharged today. I am extremely grateful for all the support I had. I have realized in that time that I need to take charge of my life. I need to get some people out of my life. I need to stay close to more people. Just being in a mental hospital gives you so much perspective. There’s kids there just like you and they manage to stay so positive and supportive throughout what they’re going through. I just wanted to share this all with you because this blog is a way I express my emotions and life. This is my life at the moment. So please. Hug your loved ones, take charge of your life, and LIVE IT!!!!