Stangers (Reuploaded)

That time I met someone who made me look at life differently

Today I met the most amazing girl who could write the most beautiful poetry. She was strong and had the scars to prove it. Some still fresh. I saw this girl who wore a ripped sweatshirt and ripped shorts with knee socks and immediately stereotyped her as someone I wouldn’t get along with. I told myself we would never get along because we were already so different. There I was in heels and a designer shirt with a pink bag and she was my complete opposite. It wasn’t until I started to talk to her did I realize how wrong I was. I saw so much of her in me. and me in her. She had an old and kind soul and a heart of gold. She spoke with such little confidence in herself when she was the most astonishing poet. I realize now how wrong I was. I know I will probably never see the girl again, she was just someone I happened to cross paths with at a coffeeshop, but her words affected me so much. Here is a line from one of her poems that touched my heart.

This made me think so much. I questioned my whole life sitting in this tiny hole in the wall coffee shop. For those people who cant live there lives as themselves, including me. Recreate your self. Create a new you that you can love. Because you do deserve to be loved by yourself.

To the girl I’ll most likely never see again, thank you.

Sarah xx

A note to Little ME (Reuploaded)

Probably my favorite post I’ve done so far 🙂 Whenever I’m feeling down I go back and read this.  Enjoy ❤ xx

Dear Little Me,

Hi beautiful. “Wait why am I calling myself beautiful” because sweetheart, you are. You are going to go through most of your life thinking you are disgusting, and ugly, and worthless, but honey, you’re not. You are loved and cherished,  wanted, and beautiful. You will have people in the future who you will trust with you life, only to try and tear it down. There will also be people you barley know now, that will save your life. Cherish the moment you have when you’re young. Cherish the memories. and also remember you are beautiful. you are wanted.

Remember when you would stand in front of a mirror and just scowl at your appearance? Now you stand  tall and smile at how far you have come. Cause baby girl, you have overcome so much. You will go through rough times, times where your life is in danger, but you always get through it. You believe that everything happens for a reason. You are still a strong believer of that.

You get sick. Really sick. But the people you love will bring you back to life. You loose people, people you love that didn’t love you, and people who were gone too young. Those losses make who you are. You make unexpected friendships. But they’re the type of friendships that last a lifetime. You fall in love. Only to be hurt by the one you love. You learn to trust. You put your trust in others. You change lives.

Now you can’t do all that if you are dead. Can you?

So stand tall, stick up to bullies. and always remember that the only love you need… is your own.

Love,

Sarah xx

Future Tattoos (Reuploaded)

I love this post! It just makes me smile haha

Hey lovelies!

Today I thought I would talk a bit about tattoos. Tattoos are something I have always loved but will probably never get on lol. Recently One of my teachers recently got a watercolor tattoo of a lavender plant and its so gorgeous!! It look like a work of art! That inspired me to look up some tattoos I would maybe like, so I thought I would share them all with you!!

First I thought going with something that Is apart of me. In our society feminism is considered disgusting. I strongly disagree I think everyone should have “girl power.”

next I have this. one of my favorite quotes is this …

“; – the option to stop, but the choice to keep going.” It just reminds me whenever I have trouble in  my life to make the choice to keep going.

This one represents an ocean. I feel most at home by the sea and at the beach so this was perfect.

This one is a tattoo I know I will get when I’m 18. It stands for equality. Among genders, races, religion, sexuality, sex, everything! I absolutely love it.

“breathe” thats what I forgot to do most of the time. I have panic disorder and anxiety so whenever I have a panic attack I just need to breathe. So this is just a good self sooth reminder

And finally… A disney tattoo!  disney is a huge part of my life and it always will be. This represent peter pan, “second star to the right and straight on til morning” I’m still chasing Neverland.

Those are all the tattoos I love at the moment and hope to get a few of them 😉

Until next time

Sarah xx

A Poem (Reuploaded)

A little poem I wrote a few months ago 🙂

She smiled

yet she was lost

She was quiet

She would never tell

how she felt

They was pushed

and kicked

But she stood back up

bruised and alone

He saw her

The real her

The one who

cared too much

The one who

did no wrong

He saw her

but the mask blinded her

She would forgive

and forgot to the

souls who broke her

But she would never

Forgot

Every word

was engraved in her brain

Every laugh every smile

was a lie after that day

The day she become broken

Well it seems that way

He was the quiet one

The one who watched from afar

She loved too much

But was never loved back

He had lost so much

yet still saw hope

Something she hasn’t discovered

cause it was too good to be true

She excepted nothing

So when he gave her the world

It fell to pieces

Just like her

Each of their worlds were too much

Yet. Never enough

He loved the girl he never knew but he knew her better than anyone

Even herself

She loved poison

Her life was a lie

She knew she was breaking

But she would never cry

The tears turned to ashes

which soon turned to dust.

Now it had blown away With all the tears she’s cried

He gave her a chance.

She took it in her hands

broken and afraid

She was his world

Yet she never knew he would be hers

They picked up the pieces of a broken world

Put it back together and somehow…

A ocean connected them at heart

Seizures and Youtube (Reuploaded)

I wrote this beginning of April when I first started having seizures. Things with the guy didn’t end up working out. Enjoy 😉

Hi lovelies!

A lot has happened this past week.. heres a little insight…

  • I was in the hospital on Wednesday
  • I asked a guy to prom
  • I went on my first date
  • I got my first kiss
  • I ended things with the guy I asked to prom
  • I was in the hospital last night

Yeah, a lot has happened. The major thing to me is the multiple hospital visits. I started to have these episode a few weeks ago and they just continue to get worse. Last night I passed out and was twitching for a full hour. We went to the hospital and they seem to think its a type of rare seizures that runs in my family. I am honestly really scared, I have seen people have seizure and not make it, I’ve heard stories about the horror of seizures. I’m going to a neurologist soon but I’m still worried that it’s going to happen again before I see this doctor.

Things with my prom date have been complicated!!! I’m just going to tell you guys its not a thing anymore. I’m just going with my friends.

I have been contemplating starting a youtube channel recently. I have a friend in the blogging world that has a huge blog and started a youtube channel and I really enjoy watching her vlog, and do Q & A’s. I’m quite nervous to start one because I’m afraid someone I know will find out.. any advice?

thanks for listening loves! ❤

Sarah xx

New Diagnoses and Vegas (Reuploaded)

Pretty explanatory 🙂

Hey Loves!

I feel like I haven’t blogged in months, but in reality it’s been like 2 weeks! In these past weeks 2 very big things have happened for me.. But first off I wanted to start on a lighter subject! Over the weekend my mum and I went prom dress shopping. It was so amazing and I actually bought a dress! The dress I bought below ↓

I absolutely love this dress.

Ok now it’s time to get serious. On Tuesday afternoon I got diagnosed with OCD. To my parents and family this was heartbreaking, to me it was a relief. I finally got a reason for why I feel the way I do. I finally found out that I’m not crazy, I just have this illness. What I was even more thrilled about was the fact that with medication and therapy, it would fade away. I felt so overjoyed!! I had an explanation for why I am the way I am. It felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

The second thing that happened this week is that my best friend that has been in inpatient in vegas for 5 months was released!! I got a text Tuesday night from her sister that she was coming home. The program she was in wouldn’t allow any contact with the outside world. She got to talk to her mom a few times a week but that was it. I would get texts to update my from her mum and sister, which I am so grateful for!

Her plane got in last night and I am supposed to go meet her in a few hours!! I am so excited to see her after 95 days of no contact!! I have made her a giant poster saying welcome home and had all her friends sign it and write messages. I am also going to pick her up some flowers and a card. I’m so incredibly proud of her and how much she’s overcome!!

Thats all I have for today, hopefully I will post more frequently haha! Have a lovely day guys!

Sarah xxx

Anxiety and the Most Amazing Friends (Reuploaded)

This was also written during that particularly rough time in my life. It was right after “J” just kind of disappeared.

Hi Loves!!

It feels like it has been forever since I posted!! How are you all doing? This past week I have been driving up and down the east coast touring colleges. I’ll be honest it was strange thinking that I will be there in a few years. I mean, I’m only a freshman so I’ve still got some time 😉

These past couple days have been rough for me. I just got back from vacation so that means school starts back up. Don’t get me wrong I love my school! That means it doesn’t stress me out. Over the weekend I went and saw a movie with K and another friend. We went and saw A cure for Wellness. 10 out of 10 would not recommend if you have anxiety. All through out the movie I was getting flashbacks and getting extremely triggered. As soon I felt as though had enough, I left and waited in the lobby for the movie to be done. My friends had a feeling that the movie wasn’t the best choice so we left and just walked around the mall for a bit.

Flash forward to Monday. I got to school and felt awful. I was anxious and felt disgusting. Since I just got back from vacation I have been eating pretty bad, lots of fatty foods. After my english class I got a feeling in my body that I was about to do something bad. It was a feeling of pure impulsivity. right the minute I got rid of all threats to my life. I threw away all the pills in my bag and made sure I had nothing in my bag that could hurt myself with. But I couldn’t get rid of everything.

When all my friends left to go to lunch, I was all alone. When I am alone all I do is overthink. I got the idea in my mind that all my friends were going to dump me again and try to ruin my life. I then sat there thinking about my appearance and felt disgusting. I ran upstairs and made myself sick. Every bad thing that I had heard or been told about myself filled my thoughts. I threw up. This was the first time in 6 months this has happened. Everything that has happened in the past 3 months came crashing down on me. Loosing all my friends, rumors, having to admit a friend, and sending my best friend away. I broke. I called my friend, E, and she came a found me. She sat on the bathroom floor holding me and trying to calm me down. After she had calmed me down to an extant, she ran downstairs to find Jack. All I kept saying to her is that I had ruined someones life and they would never forgive me. I was talking about J. If you have read my previous blog posts, J was a friend that I had to admit into a hospital for a suicide attempt. He is furious with Jack and I for telling people.

Jack came upstairs and tried to calm me down. I was hysterical, I could not stop crying for the life of me. He asked me if I wanted to go drive around to see if that would calm me down. That sounded like such a nice idea to me. We left the school and just drove around town. He didn’t push me to talk about anything he just distracted me and tried to cheer me up. He talked to me about his family and how he is flying down the California to surprise his friend in the military. He made me laugh and held my hand whenever I started to get upset. About halfway through the ride I felt strong enough to tell him everything. At the time Jack didn’t really know anything about my past life. He knew I had a rough past couple years but he never pushed me to tell him anything. I told him about my eating disorder, about my ex boyfriend, about how I was feeling about J. He just sat there listening. After I had finished he pulled the car over and hugged me. I felt so safe and loved. I can’t even describe how I felt. I was just happy. Once he started driving again he said ” You honestly don’t have to change yourself. You are so tiny and innocent and beautiful and I hate that you think of yourself this way.” I couldn’t speak, it was such a sweet thing to say. We then went and got smoothies because he wanted to make sure I had something in my system before I went home. He dropped me off and I was actually feeling pretty good. My suicidal thoughts had faded away and I didn’t have any desire to hurt myself anymore. That all changed when I walked through the front door.

I didn’t even consider the possibility of my mother being mad at me. She was furious. She thought I had just bunked school for fun. I told her everything and she just got even more mad. She yelled at me that I should have eaten better and that this was insane. I was already so angry and upset at myself that her screaming at me did not help. I started to cry. She told me that if I want to loose weight to go exercise. She yelled at me to go for a run and how lazy I am. I was in shock. I understand that it wasn’t ok to leave school with a 18 year old and not tell her. That I totally understand I apologized and said I wouldn’t do it again.

Later after we had both semi calmed down, I said something about my ex and she started to scream at me about why I still think about him. She assured me that he doesn’t think or care about me at all, which is true but was still like knifes in my heart. I stormed out and refused to talk to her the rest of the night. My mom and I have NEVER gotten in a fight. She’s the person I tell everything too. I don’t know If I’m being overdramatic or if it is ok to feel this way. If I had felt this way 6 months ago I would be in the hospital right now because I would have tried too hurt myself. But it happened now and she got mad at me for not being in school.

I am so grateful and thankful for my friends, especially Jack. They are the most amazing people. ❤ Thank your for listening. I’m sorry things have been so dramatic lately.

Sarah xxx