My Eating Disorder

Hello Everyone.

Today we are gonna do something a bit on the more serious side. I am going to tell you a all a story. The story of a girl who hated herself. But is now growing to love herself. I hope this will bring some of you some hope to know it does get better and you are not alone.

So it all started when I was about 4 years old. That’s the earliest I can remember. I would look at myself and hate what I would see. As a kid I was extremely outgoing and confident. Until about 4th grade. Thats when I finally started to notice I didn’t look like the other girls. It was just after a huge move across the country and I had no friends and was starting a new school. I was brought up in a town west of Boston, where everyone cared what they looked like. When I moved to a tiny town just north of Seattle, It was the complete opposite. Nobody cared what they wore or how they looked and were happy in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I always loved dressing up. I felt like I could be a more confident version of myself. When I started this new school I was the odd girl out. I was the one who always wore a dress but only hung out with the guys. I didn’t have any girlfriends. Guys were just so much more inviting and less drama. So most of the girls made fun of me. Thats when my eating disorder kickstarted.

Flash forward about 2 years and I was a completely different person. I wore nothing but basketball shorts and hoodies and never brushed my hair. I had changed my entire appearance to fit in and make some friends. This was now 6th grade and I had friends. Yay me! They were actually quite good friends who I am still friends with today but we sort of fell out of touch in middle school. Anyway, Jump into middle school. I was so self conscious  and could barley go to school cause of my anxiety. I had an on and off “boyfriend” (I don’t really consider him a boyfriend it was 7th grade and nothing happened) at the time. Then this boyfriend got together with my best friend. I was happy for them! I knew she liked him and he was a good guy so I had nothing to be upset about. I really didn’t even want to date anyone at the time, I thought I was too young. This is the time when I was most vulnerable . I hated how I looked and I stopped going to school because of how bad my anxiety was. And he knew that. So he used it. He would say nobody would love me and I looked bad in dresses and other things that I don’t even want to say.

My self confidence was destroyed. This was one of my best friends. Oh I just remembered theres something you should know. I crave peoples acceptance. If someone says something bad about me it hits me so hard and ruins me. I cant stand when someone doesn’t like me. I don’t know what to do I just breakdown .Continuing with my story.. My self confidence was nonexistent. I cared so much what this guy said I was willing to do anything to make him like me. So I stopped eating. And when I did eat I made myself throw it all up. I lost so much weight. I was so weak I couldn’t walk upstairs without being out of breathe. I started getting chest pains and my periods stopped. While all this was happening I didn’t tell a soul. Not my mother, not my best friend. Nobody. I was slowly loosing the will to live. I didn’t care if I was killing myself, I just wanted to be skinny and beautiful. One day I finally told my brother. I just broke down and I had to tell someone. So I told him, and he told my mom. I didn’t know my mom knew for months. But she would always make sure I wasn’t alone after eating and I was eating.

A few months had passed and I finally got the courage to tell her. I told her and she booked an appointment for an eating disorder clinic and called my psychiatrist. A few moths later I was placed in an intensive outpatient clinic with 7 other girls. I got my weight back up and was living a healthy life. For about a year I was confident in my body and didn’t even think of what I ate. It was so amazing.

These past few months have been a challenge. I have gained lots of weight from the medication I’m on. These meds make me extremely hungry and makes my brain tell me I’m hungry when Im actually full. I have struggled a lot with my body image issues lately. I just look at myself and hate what I see. I see a big belly, thick thighs, big boobs, wide hips, and I hate it. I just want to be that skinny girl again sometimes.

But then I remember how unhappy I was then. How unloved I felt. How I couldn’t walk up stairs or go outside cause I would get too dizzy. How I hated myself even more. Then I remember how loved I am right now. I have an amazing family who loves and supports me. A fantastic boyfriend who never fails to put a smile on my face, and beautiful friends who support whatever I do. I am so grateful to be alive and healthy. Do I wish I was a few pounds lighter? Of course. And maybe I’ll drop that weight. But I will do it in a healthy way. I love you all and thank you for letting me share my story.

Sarah xxxx

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13 thoughts on “My Eating Disorder

  1. i love your raw vulnerability. but dear, the second you attempt to “drop the weight, a healthy way”, you’re giving in to your eating disorder. you are allowed and worthy and deserving of being in this world even when you no longer look like you “used to”, and your soul is as lovable as ever before. your soul is a gem. don’t diminish your body, dear, for you will diminish the light in your soul too. and your soul is too precious for that. i’m sending you so so much hope, and know that body acceptance JUST AS YOU ARE is truly truly possible. you can do this. never stop fighting for your light. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I could kind of see myself in me here,apart from a couple of things.but anorexia has taught me So many things and i dont regret my struggle at all,all of us that have recovered or are recovering are so damn strong,its crazy.ps mind checking out my blog?i write about thing simikar to yours,so you wont regret it-promise,hehe!;p

    Liked by 2 people

  3. PS says:

    Girl, you are not alone in your struggle. My eating disorder started way before anyone had noticed anything but I truly went to crazy town when I was 16 and stopped eating. First it was all about being healthy and cutting carbs, bread, sweets, pasta, the basic stuff. Then I switched to an apple for dinner. I gained a lot of weight after that I hated myself and suffered from depression for a very long time. Now I’m good. I love how I look, don’t look at the scale and can handle a few belly rolls. Am I free? No. Does it ever go away? No. I don’t think an eating disorder is something you can leave behind you for good and I will never stop counting calories and wondering if I’m gonna burn all my meals but at least I’m doing that at the back of my mind now, just a habit. I don’t let it take control over me. You can do this. It is so much more important who you are on the inside, if you are kind and open and understanding than the size of your clothes. People who are gonna truly care about you will only see how beautiful you are because you are loving and good. Your body is your house and sometimes it’s messy and it needs redecorating but it’s the only one you have and you should love it because it keeps you alive and healthy. All the best for you, honey ❤

    PS. // remarkablyregardful.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey, hope you are doing well.

    I invite you to read a post of mine where I am gathering warriors facing mental health challenges 1st hand to educate people, to raise awareness and acceptance.

    I need help from you in breaking stigma.

    Here is the link to post.. https://stoneronarollercoaster.wordpress.com/2018/04/27/mental-health-awareness/

    Your participation can make a huge difference in someone’s life.

    Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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