Today we are gonna do something a bit on the more serious side. I am going to tell you a all a story. The story of a girl who hated herself. But is now growing to love herself. I hope this will bring some of you some hope to know it does get better and you are not alone.
So it all started when I was about 4 years old. That’s the earliest I can remember. I would look at myself and hate what I would see. As a kid I was extremely outgoing and confident. Until about 4th grade. Thats when I finally started to notice I didn’t look like the other girls. It was just after a huge move across the country and I had no friends and was starting a new school. I was brought up in a town west of Boston, where everyone cared what they looked like. When I moved to a tiny town just north of Seattle, It was the complete opposite. Nobody cared what they wore or how they looked and were happy in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I always loved dressing up. I felt like I could be a more confident version of myself. When I started this new school I was the odd girl out. I was the one who always wore a dress but only hung out with the guys. I didn’t have any girlfriends. Guys were just so much more inviting and less drama. So most of the girls made fun of me. Thats when my eating disorder kickstarted.
Flash forward about 2 years and I was a completely different person. I wore nothing but basketball shorts and hoodies and never brushed my hair. I had changed my entire appearance to fit in and make some friends. This was now 6th grade and I had friends. Yay me! They were actually quite good friends who I am still friends with today but we sort of fell out of touch in middle school. Anyway, Jump into middle school. I was so self conscious and could barley go to school cause of my anxiety. I had an on and off “boyfriend” (I don’t really consider him a boyfriend it was 7th grade and nothing happened) at the time. Then this boyfriend got together with my best friend. I was happy for them! I knew she liked him and he was a good guy so I had nothing to be upset about. I really didn’t even want to date anyone at the time, I thought I was too young. This is the time when I was most vulnerable . I hated how I looked and I stopped going to school because of how bad my anxiety was. And he knew that. So he used it. He would say nobody would love me and I looked bad in dresses and other things that I don’t even want to say.
My self confidence was destroyed. This was one of my best friends. Oh I just remembered theres something you should know. I crave peoples acceptance. If someone says something bad about me it hits me so hard and ruins me. I cant stand when someone doesn’t like me. I don’t know what to do I just breakdown .Continuing with my story.. My self confidence was nonexistent. I cared so much what this guy said I was willing to do anything to make him like me. So I stopped eating. And when I did eat I made myself throw it all up. I lost so much weight. I was so weak I couldn’t walk upstairs without being out of breathe. I started getting chest pains and my periods stopped. While all this was happening I didn’t tell a soul. Not my mother, not my best friend. Nobody. I was slowly loosing the will to live. I didn’t care if I was killing myself, I just wanted to be skinny and beautiful. One day I finally told my brother. I just broke down and I had to tell someone. So I told him, and he told my mom. I didn’t know my mom knew for months. But she would always make sure I wasn’t alone after eating and I was eating.
A few months had passed and I finally got the courage to tell her. I told her and she booked an appointment for an eating disorder clinic and called my psychiatrist. A few moths later I was placed in an intensive outpatient clinic with 7 other girls. I got my weight back up and was living a healthy life. For about a year I was confident in my body and didn’t even think of what I ate. It was so amazing.
These past few months have been a challenge. I have gained lots of weight from the medication I’m on. These meds make me extremely hungry and makes my brain tell me I’m hungry when Im actually full. I have struggled a lot with my body image issues lately. I just look at myself and hate what I see. I see a big belly, thick thighs, big boobs, wide hips, and I hate it. I just want to be that skinny girl again sometimes.
But then I remember how unhappy I was then. How unloved I felt. How I couldn’t walk up stairs or go outside cause I would get too dizzy. How I hated myself even more. Then I remember how loved I am right now. I have an amazing family who loves and supports me. A fantastic boyfriend who never fails to put a smile on my face, and beautiful friends who support whatever I do. I am so grateful to be alive and healthy. Do I wish I was a few pounds lighter? Of course. And maybe I’ll drop that weight. But I will do it in a healthy way. I love you all and thank you for letting me share my story.